This is your captain speaking. Those of you on the right side of the plane may have noticed 3 pyramids. This is 3 more than we were expecting to see in Barcelona. Anyway, does anyone have google maps?
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Ad exec: but how are we going to reach our target audience?
Ad exec 2: we need to be able to speak their language
Meow Mix jingle writer: *deep breath*
Who called it raising pigs for meat and not Mama, just killed a ham?
If you have anything you want to sneak into the house, Christmas Eve is the day to do it. Can just rush through the door carrying anything saying “DON’T LOOK! DON’T LOOK!” and people will close their eyes. Next thing you know you’re eating a bucket of KFC safely in the bathroom.
i got the covid booster and a flu shot earlier today and the guy giving it to me was like “are you getting this for school or work?” and i panicked and said “for fun”
when adam driver cut his arm in marriage story my mom said “hemorrhage story” and I thought that was a pretty good one
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 10 years
Me: idk Where do you see YOURSELF in 10 years
Interviewer: i don’t wanna say it’s embarrassing lol
Me: come on what if we say it at the same time
Interviewer: ok deal
Me: ok, 3..2..1
In sync: making furniture for hamsters
Coronavirus and Animal Crossing is like that one summer with Pokémon GO but like…..opposite.
tossing the phrase “slappery slope” into the discourse like a beach ball and moonwalking away
Here’s a poem in the shape of a Christmas tree. It’s called ‘Needles’.
Them: hey wanna go to the movies later?
Me: sure what time?
Them: 8:30
Me: *laughs in over 40*
My son just asked me why anyone would want a “house phone” because they don’t even have any games on them. And then I died of old age
7: is it tomorrow yet?
Me: nope, it’s still today.
7: aww
Stop saying da Vinci invented the helicopter. He invented the sky corkscrew and it was ridiculous.
goldfish memory actually lasts for months not seconds so don’t play that “I forgot about the rent” shit with me, Bubbles
Sorry, I didn’t mean to lol your poetry
I should get paid a lot more for being the boss of me
I missed one episode of the news and now I have no clue wtf is happening.
Daughter found the wrinkle cream and when I told her what it was for she said, “Daddy, you should use that when you grow up” so I guess my point here is maybe 4 isn’t too young for a pony.
VILLAGERS: Stop crying wolf, you stupid idiot!
BOY: Fine
{later}
BOY: Help…Wolf!
WOLF: What’s up?
BOY: I need you to kill the villagers
I have never “lit up a room” unless you count arson.
OK so apparently “psychosis” is one word, and doesn’t specifically refer to my female sibling.
Jack and Jill went up the hill
To fetch an ounce of ganja
Jack lit up and took a puff
And Jill cuffed him. She was DEA. Jack died in prison.
wife: where’s the baby
me: in the cradle
wife: but where’s the cradle
me: on the treetop
[a gust of wind is followed by a crash]
me: I just thought of a song
My husband is BBQing outside in the dark, in the snow, wearing a headlamp.
Because Canadian.
How I handle confrontation:
Them: Aimee!?
Me: *falls to the ground*
*does the worm*
“Did you just elect a pope in there?” he asked as the vape cloud billowed from her car window.
You think you’re in pretty good shape and then you shovel two feet of snow and wake up the next day feeling like you threw yourself off of a skyscraper.
As a parent, the only warm meal I get around here is ice cream.
condom commercials should just be a live-feed of couples trying to enjoy a decent meal at a restaurant with their kids
Failed long-term relationships are never a total waste. They teach you valuable life skills, like how to carve profanity into car paint.