My husband pissed me off today so I told him that I can’t wait to see what he had planned for our special day tomorrow
There is nothing special about tomorrow
But there is something special about watching the color leave his face as the panic takes over
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my head, thawed from cryogenic storage 1000 years in future: boy, i could go for a pizza
lab staff: what is ..peet-za?
my head: throw me out the window right now i’m not even exaggerating
“Maybe she’s born with it, but most likely she botched it at home” should be my slogan when I color my own hair.
Never use profanity. Unless you live on the East Coast. Where it is considered punctuation and shit.
Why did they have to make a sign
why did they have to make a sign
why did they have to make a sign
i hate when my friend starts dating an idiot and i have to be like how could you bring this man into our lives
even worse than arguing with a stupid person online is when an even stupider person joins in but they’re on your side
When I get new followers I lean in close and whisper to their avi:
“You’ve chosen wisely, Grasshopper.”
[at family gathering]
Me: *shoving jumbo shrimp in my mouth*
Mom: Where are your manners?
Me: *points over at sister* She has them.
That’s me at the corner, that’s me at the stoplight choosing no collision
-Michael Stipe selling auto insurance
Please stop putting flyers on my windshield in parking lots. I have no desire to see your new band called “Parking Violation”.
Indoor weekend with a toddler whose sleep schedule is backsliding.
My 8yo told me she wants me to live forever which was sweet until I told her I’d run out of money and she replied “ok nevermind”.
[first date]
I’m sorry, I fiddle when I get nervous
“That’s okay”
Yeah….
*jams out epic fiddle solo for the rest of the date*
responding “ummmm i have a boyfriend” anytime a coworker asks me to do something in my job description
I just deleted the same tweet twice for two different typos and now I can’t tweet it again because it’s already been stolen
i cant believe ashton kutcher made the apple computer and iphones. thank you ashton
I’m fine, doctor. My heart rate was elevated because I was thinking about tacos
I sprayed a mosquito with mosquito repellent and now he’ll never have any friends.
My hot pink mouth is wide open for you, sugar.
Donut: ….
I’d never go on a dating website.
I believe in meeting guys the old fashioned way, hitchhiking.
I told the kids if they’re not good we’re flying United this summer.
sticking my hand out the car window while driving, for science
Interviewer: give me an example of when you’ve been a team player
Me: once my friend wanted to sleep with this girl but she was married
Interviewer: and you?
Me: distracted her husband with an interview
Guys; if she stops responding to your messages for days, 100% of the time it’s a technical problem. Keep trying.
I’m sorry. I know I said hi, but I wasn’t really prepared for any follow-up conversation.
i baked you a cake
WIFE: please stop telling people you bought me on eBay. It’s not funny
[later]
THEM: so how did you two meet?
ME: I did NOT buy her on eBay
I was just shushed.
*sharpening knife*
This coyote won’t let me get close enough to put a sweater on him.
Todd on Facebook hates being sick.
Really Todd? Most people love it.