A fun way to make things uncomfortable at work is to buy a box of donuts for everyone but keep them on your lap.
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You never realize how many people you just don’t like until you try to name a baby
Dad, to brother: You’re married now. You’re officially an adult.
Dad, to sister: You’re a mother now. You’re imbued with an imparted wisdom that no other could fathom.
Dad, to me: You eat any good nachos lately?
I’ve wrecked my car yet I still weigh the same. This crash diet is for the birds.
🙋♀️
Bae: Come over.
Romeo: Can’t. You’re a Capulet, I’m a Montague.
Bae: Deny thy father and refuse thy name; come over.
Romeo: Also, you’re 13.
[after bowling]
Me: that was fun
Date: you whispered “bowling” every time you rolled the ball
Me: it helps me aim
[later in bed]
Me: *whispering* bo-
Her: -no
My daughter’s main food groups are pancakes, watermelon, cheese, and her mother’s patience.
I hate who I was when I packed a healthy dinner to bring to work
Why can’t medications have positive side effects? Like “may make everything you eat taste like chocolate cake” or “may make you remember why you walked into that room the first time”.
Trader Joe’s was destined for greatness…
Unlike his twin brother Sloppy Joe who was destined to work in a cafeteria for minimum wage.
Do you think, in a pinch, Jim Henson ever used Kermit as an oven mitt?
GOD: I’ve created donuts
ANGEL: ooh they’re yummy but why the hole?
GOD:
ANGEL:
GOD:
ANGEL: because they are holy
GOD: because they are holy
WIFE: omg someone’s broken in!
ME *bravely grabs baseball bat from under the bed* wait here[downstairs]
FRIEND: Can’t you just tell her you want to play baseball?
ME: Keep your voice down
this has to be peak English
Taking 10 and 8 fishing this morning. How long will it take before someone has a hook in them and crying has started? Cause I’m saying 3 mins.
JOSEPH: who did you name me after?
ME: you were named after my grandfather
GREGGNOG: what about me dad?
I hope nobody on my yearbook page ever becomes famous.
Why would I buy a pumpkin at the store for $5 when I can drive 30 miles & pay to make my kids walk through a field to pick our own for $27.
I asked my son to take the garbage out and he immediately tried to pick up his brother and boys are fun.
I like my coffee like I like my beaches, Brazilian.
*sends you a 13-page love letter & introduces you to my parents in order to scare your hiccups away*
*you’re cured*
Tim Cook just came out. Waiting for the Android version.
amateur: taco tuesday
pro: taco everyday
I used to be a person who couldn’t easily fall asleep, then I got divorced and now I sleep like a baby. Probably unrelated.
Wife: Can you turn on the crock pot?
Me: [starts dancing seductively in front of crock pot]
Wife: why for everything
Finally!
Below Deck sounds like a way of discreetly describing a condition to my doc
I’m wearing a push-up bra and can still only do 3 push-ups. Would not recommend.