Weird…the ChatGPT warnings are the same ones I have on my hinge profile…
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Raise your kids to question all assumptions so one day your 10 y/o daughter can correctly point out that, “nobody ever said anything about Humpty Dumpty being an egg.”
I have keys on my keychain from the houses I used to live in just in case I’m hungry and in the area.
Our mailman freaked out when he accidentally saw me naked.
So did all the other people at the post office.
3: I’m going to say hi to that boy on the bike
Boy rides by & she waves shyly after he passes
3: He didn’t hear me
Me: Flirting’s hard
[inventing eggnog]
Exec: Gag them, but festively.
*In a Bedroom at a Halloween Party*
Woman Dressed as Nurse: That’s a cool effect.
Man Dressed as Dracula: Vat effect are you referring to?
Her: You’re not casting a reflection in the mirror.
Dracula:
Her: oh
Me: my imposter syndrome is pretty bad. I feel like I don’t deserve to be here, I’m not good enough
Satan: what
My trainer said that I have to stop referring to Reese Cups as protein bars
I took my dog to see “Fifty Shades Of Grey” and he loved it. Which surprised me because he hated the book…
My greatest accomplishment as a parent has been convincing my kids that Chuck E Cheese closes for “flu season.”
My rap name is “NO PLANZ.”
In the spirit of ‘Cancel Culture’ so to speak, can we just go ahead and cancel the middle school dioramas????
Im out of cotton balls. 😒
Weighing up my bread heating options
U once broke ur toe? I once broke my foot. U had a baby? I had 2 babies. U have a bad back? I have a bad front. I can do this all day, btw.
cop: can you describe the intruder?
me: he had a toe ring
cop: he was bare foot?
me: no, he was wearing shoes, but I could just tell
I’m paranoid AND needy: I think people are talking about me, but not as much as I’d like.
My wife was cross when my 2yo broke a Chinese spoon this morning & I said it was “just Wonton destruction” & honestly it did not go down at all well.
This is why I need you lot, x
we need a 3 day weekend:
1 for errands
1 for social activities
1 for staying in bed like we’ve got some Victorian wasting disease
Racism is alive and well. I entered a plane and a white lady started freaking out. I laughed so hard my grenades fell out of my pocket.
i am yelling at all my family members right now, does anyone need someone yelled at, WILL YELL FOR FREE
What I say: it’s time for bed
What my child hears: you have been sentenced to life in prison with no parole
I don’t need lip fillers. I have two toddlers constantly head-butting me.
“Dad what IS the moon?”
It is cheese. Delicious cheese. Thats why rats come out at nite, to look at it. We must never let rats on the moon.
The closest I am to my hunter-gatherer ancestors is when I am gutting an Amazon package.
Has anyone checked Kate Middleton’s attic for a half-played game of Jumanji? I just don’t think we can rule anything out at this stage.
The new guy at work has been getting a lot of customer complaints lately.
Probably because I wear his name tag when he’s not there.
My mom [on the phone]: Hi I can’t talk long
Narrator: But she can. She CAN talk long
When his teacher told us that our toddler is kind and sweet to the other kids in school I was so relived. If he treated other people the way he treated me he’d be in jail.
[Lou Bega voice]
One, two, three four
[Proclaimers voice]
five hundred miles
HEARTWARMING! Celebs get together to sing ‘Imagine’ and flush all their unused COVID-19 tests down the toilet