5-year-old: Dad! Dad! My sister-
Me: Stop tattling. I don’t want to hear about it unless there’s blood.
5:
Me:
5: How much blood?
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I bought a Christmas tree today and the salesman asked if I was going to put it up myself. I said no, I’m going to put it in the living room.
I was an English major, which means I may or may not be able to get you out of a dangerous situation, but *patting your arm* at least I can write a 5-paragraph essay on the fatal flaw that led you to it.
People who say 45 minutes past the hour are the same ones who have kids 89 and 63 months old
[garden of Eden]
Adam: you’d be so pretty if you smiled
Eve: think I’m gonna go talk to that snake
ME: rock, paper, scissors
PROCTOLOGIST: *snaps on glove* and you’re sure that’s all
A guy riding a bike past me said “hey how you doing” just before I called over my dog with kissing sounds, which was awkward but now I have a date
If plastic bags could be used as currency, my mom would be on a Forbes list.
You know what really makes me smile?
Fascial muscles.
Sad? Confused? There’s a nap for that.
No email needs to tell me not to reply.
16: If you could pick your own pronouns, what would they be?
Me: Well, I can and I choose cheesecake.
16: Cheesecake isn’t a pronoun.
Me: Yes, but everyone loves cheesecake.
16: Exactly, pick something else.
Don’t hate me cause I’m beautiful, hate me cause I stole your lunch out of the office fridge
I like soap operas because you never have to wonder who the villain is, they are the one wearing an eye patch. No gentlemen pirates on a soap opera
Fun fact: if you play Hotel California backwards, and slowed down 30bpm, there’s a fantastic hidden quiche recipe
Science can’t explain why your bathroom is at least 9x further away from your bedroom at 1am
A creepy guy in a blue van saw me hit a car in the parking lot.
So I was obligated to leave a note… “ᴀ ᴄʀᴇᴇᴘʏ ɢᴜʏ ɪɴ ᴀ ʙʟᴜᴇ ᴠᴀɴ ʜɪᴛ ʏᴏᴜʀ ᴄᴀʀ”
My glasses are dirty but I don’t want to move from the couch so I guess TV’s blurry from now on
I prefer science to religion, as the former doesn’t seem to grow vengeful and jealous when refused attention.
Bad guys in the 80s all had helicopters. If you saw a chopper in the sky it was either a news copter or a greasy bad guy trying to kill Michael Knight.
Never trust a man wearing more than 0 necklaces
Some women can shave their heads and look like goddesses. If I shaved my head, I would look like roll-on deodorant.
If anyone else mentions how tiny I am today I will bite their ankles
person on twitter: I’m being attacked right now!
me (played a lot of Age of Empires 2 in my formative years): im sending you some crossbowmen
I choose toothpaste NOT recommended by dentists… those sneaky tooth-fiddlers have a lot to gain from promoting one that doesn’t work.
*me on my deathbed* here, I want you to have my basket of cords.
“This is a robbery! Be cool and nobody gets hurt!”
ME: *starts vaping*
In Russia, Vladimir Putin has said that the killers of Nemtsov “will be ruthlessly hunted down.”
He added, “It’s cheaper than paying them”
9 has decided to write a book called “True facts about idiot humans”
And I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t worried about her source of information
4: I wanna watch Sing 2!
hubs: you’ve watched that a thousand times.
4: not today.