Him: I’m a morning person
Me *scared of werewolves* w…what are you at night??
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My favorite part of the holiday party is getting to meet my coworkers’ dates & find out who chooses to put up with these people for free.
[house being raided]
[swat guy crashes through window, lands on slip n slide I placed there for this exact reason and slides out front door]
That awkward moment when you try something on in a shop but you don’t know if you can get it off again.
The hardest part of my kid unexpectedly falling out of her chair unprovoked is waiting until her back is turned so I can laugh.
God..how many exercise videos do you have to buy before you get some results
Feeling a little sad…
…saw a FB post about someone that has “the best girlfriend ever” and realized that I have to settle for 2nd best.
* wishes on shooting star
” the wish you have wished for has already been taken, please try again”
I always carry a jellyfish in case I need to pee on someone.
You can tell a lot about a person just by noticing how they continue to talk after you’ve sighed six or seven times.
A kid in the grocery store screamed “I’M COMING FOR YOU, CORNDOGS!” as his dad opened the freezer, and I felt jealous that he has a catchphrase at age 10.
THERAPIST: [over the phone] How have you been passing the time?
ME: [mixing 4 types of cereal together to create a stronger, more delicious super cereal] I’m learning to cook
You ever notice how when you get home from food shopping, the kids turn into airport security?
Husband opening his new radar detector…
Me- want me to run by really fast?
Him- what? No, that’s not how this works.
Me- *runs by entrance to kitchen*
I was dissapointed when I called a taxidermist and he pulled up in a regular car.
Taco is a crispy sandwich. I will not be taking calls to change my mind.
Doctor: do you exercise?
Me: oh yeah I do all of them, the push-offs, plonks
Doctor:
Me: cronchies
Doctor: I’m gonna put no
Me: ok
BREAKING
Scientists warn that Earth could run out of conspiracy theories by 2025 if they keep coming true at the current rate
Lake Erie: Great Lake name
Lake Titicaca: Greater lake name
Kids: you burned the popcorn
Me: you gave me stretch marks
Being a mom is easy
Oh wow Linda the pizza here “isn’t even close” to what you had studying abroad in Rome? The pizza at this airport Sbarro’s isn’t doing it for you? I am shocked
I wish I was as consistent as the poppy seed that finds the space between my two front teeth
[after dinner]
Me: I can’t eat another bite.
Also me: *whimsically eats entire spongebob ice cream cake*
I was a teenager when “Go to your room” was a punishment and not the same as saying “Go to your arcade/shopping mall/video chat room/infinite music and video library/recording booth/photo studio.”
Coworker met a guy on an app, went on vacation with him, got married ob the vacation and quit today, I will be speaking on her episode of either Dateline or Snapped.
me: iced latte please
barista: what type of milk?
me: spaghetti
every time I try to lay down for a bit it’s someone in a group text’s birthday
For about 2 seconds, when you run a red light, it’s like you stole your own car.
Job interviewer: Where would you like to be in five years?
Me: On paid administrative leave.
Will Smith: “Jaden, I want you to star in this 100 million dollar movie with me”
My Dad: “Shut up and hold this flashlight Steve”