My handwriting looks like a fiddler crab riding a tricycle. No, FIGHTING a tricycle.
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[being carried away by a colony of ants] haha nice let’s see where this goes
ME: So how fast are you at making suits?
TAYLOR SWIFT: …
Do you think when the Hamburglar robs people he holds them at bun point?
If denial isn’t a skill, how can my brain convince me that I can reach in my purse with wet nails and it’s going to be be fine?
boss: your drug test came back clean
me: then my dealer’s got some explaining to do
boss: what
me: what
Our house is too small for a proper hallway. We pretend, though, and give directions like “it’s in the bedroom down the hall.”
Do you remember when the most annoying thing on the Internet was a dancing baby?
Yeah, good times
Brain: I see you’re trying to sleep. Let me ruin your night by playing your worst memory from high school.
Me: If you want to be a Jedi, you have to follow strict rules.
Rey: Like what?
Me: Don’t hook up with anyone. They might be related.
REALTOR: what size home are you looking for?
OLD LADY WHO LIVED IN A SHOE: 11 , 11 1/2
me: [typing] donkey kong
fbi agent watching my screen: don’t do it
me: donkey kong no tie
fbi agent: god damnit-[into radio] take him down
Reporter: are you nervous about the fight?
Me nervously: no
Reporter: he said he’s going to ‘rip your heart out’
Me crying: but I need it
CW: Just quit, Bob, your inventions are useless
Bob [sulks into his office]: Maybe he’s right
*flicks light switch*
*parachute comes out*
astronaut: houston come in
houston: this had better be important
astronaut: it’s urgent
houston: fine what
astronaut: [drinking soda out of the air] rootbeer float
I asked my 5yo to play a game where we see who can be quiet the longest. After a couple of seconds he whispered “this is boring” and I guess the game is over.
Hey don’t get mad at us just because Generation X got the cool nickname
Some are mad Trump won.
Others are mad that the anti-Trumps are mad.
I’m mad that you open up a new bag of chips and it’s only 1/3 full.
No parenting book prepared me for “trying to dry a papier-mâché model of a red blood cell in your oven at 6am”.
The 5 signs of laziness
1.
My only real argument for having multiple children is that the older one will eventually be able to help the younger one with Common Core math.
20s: I do yoga so I can be better in bed
30s: I do yoga so I can get out of bed
feeling some mixed emotions while eating dried apricots because it’s like i’m eating human ears but they’re tasty
If inmates can pen pal their way into marriage, then there’s still hope for most of you.
[phone call]
murderer: I know where u live
me: it’s just til I get back on my feet
I think my leftovers are old enough to throw themselves away.
I have a divorce case where I’m seriously considering hiring community theater actors to come into court and read all the text messages for the record.
I hate it when people say “Oh, I’m a vegetarian except for fish”.
Yeah? And I’m a non-smoker except for cigarettes. #WorldVeganDay
Got a new stove today and then ordered a pizza because I don’t want to ruin it by getting it dirty or anything.
Me: if a ghostbuster dies and becomes a ghost, do they have to bust themselves
Interviewer: that’s an excellent question about the job