*flips table*
YO WHO CALLED THEM EXPIRATION DATES INSTEAD OF SPOILER ALERTS
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[time machine appears in my old bedroom]
FUTURE ME: Put that book down, go outside, and enjoy your youth.
YOUNG ME: [stunned] Okay, okay *runs outside*
[time machine ceases to exist]
FUTURE ME: Dammit. I really should have thought this through.
At least the self-checkout doesn’t ask me what I’m making for dinner with these items or when I’m going to call my mother.
Man: I was always afraid of dying alone, so…thanks for being with me
Parachute instructor: PULL THE CORD PULL THE CORD!
I told a joke during a zoom meeting today. Nobody laughed. It turns out, I’m not even remotely funny
If I don’t introduce you to the person I’m with it’s because I don’t remember either of your names.
Took my son to see Spider-Man this weekend and he cried because I wouldn’t let him wear his costume because it was too cold. Plus, it was my turn.
Marriage should be traditional. As it was in The Bible. Between a man and a rib.
We don’t have voluntary control over our internal organs because our brains don’t trust us enough to keep ourselves alive.
millennials aren’t having kids because no one’s made lo-fi hip-hop beats to yell at your kids to
Me 5pm: Need to go easy on the booze tonight, have to function tomorrow.
Me 1am: *twerking in a Denny’s parking lot.
Me: WHY AREN’T YOU CLEANING YOUR ROOM LIKE I ASKED?
My 6year old: You only asked once
we should absolutely get off work for Leap Day. you’re making me clock in on february 29th? a totally made up day? time is an illusion and so is capitalism. i’m going to the park
gift cards are like i want you to buy what you want but from where i want
Shall I compare thee to a wooly worm?
Thou art more fuzzy and more ravenous
Mini-horses are like mini-donuts, you can’t just eat one
My hot friend: I’ve been alternating CrossFit, yoga and running.
Me: I hear you. I have a mild cough so my abs have been sore for two days.
Where do avocados come from? Uh, well, when a crocodile loves a pear very much…
Quick new parent question at what age do you let your new baby start sleeping indoors?
Me: “How much for your top of the line masturbation chamber?” Sales person: “You mean the shower stall?”
My son was brushing the crumbs off the front of his pants into the trash can at a restaurant and the waitress, thinking he was peeing, told him he needed to go do that in the bathroom.
Look lady, my kid only pees outside, not in the trash like the good lord intended.
Me: Did you do your laundry like I asked?
Child: No, there’s a huge spider near the washing machine.
Me:
Child:
Me:
Child: Can you-
Me [handing her $10]: Here’s some money for the laundromat.
I’m never more in denial than when I pack running clothes for a weekend trip to the beach.
Working at the bank is:
10% bank transactions
87% helping clients reset their password
40% typing numbers without looking
23% accuracy
Don’t take financial advice from me. I used to stand in line to buy Beannie Babies
lying here thinking of the time i was about to compliment a lady at the gas pumps on her shiny black scarf and then i realized she worked there and just had new trash bags hanging around her neck as she took out the full ones
“I refuse to visit shops that gender children’s beds”
“Like a boycott?”
“Don’t you start”
[inventing napkin dispensers]
bob: it has 2 settings
exec: ok
bob: 1 at a time
exec: ok
bob: or 37 at a time
exec: first of all I love it
never seen my husband madder than the time i snuck on his facebook and blindly ‘liked’ every single post on the feed for 10 minutes
Honestly the Bible is pretty good for God’s first book
I’m gonna be a professional farmer when I grow up. I’ve been wanting to get in that field for years.