Pretty messed up that every year I swallow 8 spiders.
And none of them ever call me again.
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God: Oh heck, I dropped my newest spider in the ocean
Octopus: I’m cool with this, actually
[portrait studio]
ARTIST: I charge $50 per limb, because limbs are difficult to draw
ME: How much to draw me from the side?
ARTIST: That’ll cost you an arm and a leg
*Job interview
Him: Any special achievements?
Me: Yeah, my tweet got published on BuzzFeed
H: Alright, you’re hired
M: Really?
H: No.
Don’t cry because it’s over. Smile because your fingerprints aren’t in the database.
dumbledore: you know what this spot needs
hogwarts gardener: rose bu-
dimbledore: a tree that kills students
hogwarts gardener: what
dumbledore: plant the death tree
[black jack]
DEALER: 14
ME: hit me
D: 16
M: hit me
D: 23
M: hit me
D:
M:
D:
M: make it look good so my wife believes I was mugged
Good morning Twitter. It’s been 43 minutes since my last confession…
My latest business venture is not-for-profit, apparently.
Accountant: ok gross income looks good, what about any losses?
Willy Wonka: Just those 4 kids lmao
Accountant: what
Willy Wonka: what
Maybe newborn babies cry because reincarnation is real and they’re like “not this shit again”
My friend sneezed and I didn’t say “God bless you” and I had to watch helplessly as demons appeared and dragged him to hell.
“This does not bode well.” – a guy at the returns desk, explaining why he’s returning a boder.
Felt sad that rabbits ate all my marigolds.
Then felt glad that I don’t have to water them anymore.
Suburban life is a roller coaster.
Thank you, true crime show, for saying that was a reenactment. I was pretty upset your camera person didn’t stop that murder.
interviewer: why do u want this job
me: i love health insurance
[Last Supper]
Jesus: *holds up bread* This is my body
*holds up wine* This is my blood
And this is Sparta!
*kicks Judas into a pit*
Dating app: If you were a bird, what kind of bird would you be?
Me: I’d be a subway pigeon or one of those crows that eats mostly garbage
Sometimes I like to stand up really fast to remember what drugs feel like
She said she wanted the D so I showed her our son’s report card.
Hates everyone who has a cooler birthstone than mine.
for my next trick i will fall asleep 15 minutes into the movie i begged us to watch
Me: *completes lifestyle questionnaire*
Life expectancy app: Well, this is awkward.
“you okay man?”
listen dude… i know what im doing
*lights a cigarette backwards*
ive seen Guy Code like six times
I follow ripped guys around the grocery store and just buy what they buy
When the person representing himself in court tries to make the Judge in the case take the witness stand because “only God can judge,” that’s the moment all the hassle of law school is totally worth it.
ME: genie, i wish i was dead
GENIE: [makes me dead then brings me back to life] ok u have two wishes left
ME: i dont think u understood
[Jurassic Park]
kid: What do you call a blind dinosaur?
me: What?
kid: Do-you-think-he-saurus
me *pushes him out of the tree*
“It’s not debauchery it’s Digiorno!”
Me drunk about to eat a frozen pizza
[At auto store]
Employee: How can we get you to walk out of here with 4 tires?
“Sir, you are wildly overestimating my strength.”
ME: *sees my shadow* holy shit i’m a groundhog