WIFE: Do something productive today
ME: I will
[later]
WIFE: What the-?
[dog zooms by in the car]
ME: I taught him how to drive, Karen
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A car says a lot about the owner. I have a KIA which tells people I have bad credit.
I’m going to need a list of snacks that will be there before I show up.
When you do drugs, you’re also doing all the drugs that those drugs have done.
MOM: I don’t care how old you are, you’ll always be my baby
ME [being passed around by her friends to hold] ok but this is weird, I need to get to work
Ever since I started going to the gym everyday I can really see a difference in how accomplished I am as a liar.
i cant feel my face when im with you /
please untie me /
nose is itchy
This cat wants you to take your pills
Me: Ugh HBO is so annoying only releasing one episode at a time so I have to wait a whole week for the next one.
Also me: Ugh Netflix is so annoying releasing the entire series at once so I finish it in 2 days and have nothing to look forward to.
If I woke up today from a ten year coma and the first thing I saw was an ad for the new downton abbey movie I’d be like oh ok thank god. Looks like I was only out for a few months
A clean house is the true sign of a broken WIFI.
Dating tip:
Girls love mysterious guys. For example, tell her “Im a lawyer.Or AM I?” then hum the Twilight Zone theme and turn into an eagle
You never know how strong you are until someone’s story runs more than 5 mins
So, I went to look into this Eat Clean Bro thing, I accidentally put in Eat Bro Clean and well, that is a different kind of diet.
I think one of the toughest parts about growing up is realizing that you don’t sweat blue if you drink blue Gatorade.
Grandma: what’s oversharing?
Me: It’s when you talk about your hemorrhoid surgery on FaceBook.
me: hey it smells like upmanyoudontneedcouplescounselling in here
therapist: what’s upmanyoudontneedcouplescounselling?
me: haha right on, cya guys
wife: wha-
therapist: omfg he’s so smooth why would you ever wanna leave him?
First person ever to clap: *starts smacking hands together*
People: Look at this idiot…we should do it too
*First and last date:
“Wanna see my rain predictin’ knee?”
I wish I was a baby so I could pass out in public with a bottle and no one would look twice.
If you are being chase by a serial killer, you both are running for your life
My daughter’s morning alarm is less to wake her up and more to warn the rest of us.
my kid had her whole class make birthday cards for her dog who celebrated his birthday yesterday.
we don’t have a dog.
Ace of Base and the Lords of Acid meet in a bar and neutralize each other
When life hands you lemons be thankful God didn’t slip and hit the demons button
6, during a homeschool lesson: Mommy, Grandma says it’s a good thing you didn’t become a teacher…
Me: Well, Grandma’s probably right.
6:…but that you should have done SOMETHING with your life.
I feel like whoever named it a “magic marker” was really overselling their product expectation-wise.
My dog is a firm believer in teamwork.
I stepped away to use the restroom for a minute and when I came back he had finished my nachos for me.
I never realized how many “favorite” coffee mugs I had until other people tried to use them.
her: i love bad boys
me: [trying to impress] my mom has no idea where i am
If there’s cake in the fridge, the fridge becomes a medicine cabinet.
I don’t make the rules.