59 days until Christmas. I better start untangling the lights.
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You don’t realize how old a movie is until you see the computer in it
No…no. Just leave your shirt here and let’s go look for Bigfoot.
~ whiskey
Please. My wife. She’s very sick.
This might damage our relationship but I don’t use ketchup on fries
Robber *gun to my head* sign in to your account
Me *wiping tears* I can’t remember my password
Robber: Ask for a hint. And if you cry again, I’ll shoot
Me: ok ok
Computer: What was the name of your first dog?
Me: oh no
I’m so hungry I could eat this piece of paper.
*adds salt to resume*
[Fairground]
Son: Daddy can I have a balloon?
Me: If you’re good.
Son: Good at what?
Me: Buying your own balloons
In my house, where there’s smoke there’s dinner.
“Cloudy With a Chance of Meatballs” could also describe every menu item at Olive Garden.
HER: I’m breaking up with you..
ME: Is it because W e A re I N a Bl a k H o l e ?
C ¡ !
H
E R: Y
e S
! ! ! !
please send your thoughts and prayers to my 8 yo who has a loose tooth and he is now incapable of doing anything such as emptying the dishwasher or eating veggies because they’re too hard to chew.
for my next trick i will fall asleep 15 minutes into the movie i begged us to watch
Me: *quickly flips through each layer of a Big Mac like a wad of cash*
McDonald’s employee: [nervously assuring me] it’s all there I swear.
Girlfriend: hey babe you wanna get breakfast and go for a run?
(Cut to me with a mouth full of Doritos)
Me: I have shin splints
[Murderer breaks into my house]
Murderer: “Alexa, play sinister music.”
A dating app called “Hinder” where some guy shows up in the middle of every date and ruins everything.
What do you mean your “water broke”? Did the H2 fall off the O?
Walking my dog we saw a guy in a suit walking his dog and I know my dog is thinking I don’t dress nice for him anymore.
AMAZON: Did you buy a watch?!
ME: Yeah, it’s-
AMAZON: You might want THIS watch!
ME: No I already-
AMAZON: ONLY WATCHES FOR YOU, FOREVERMORE
[kitchen]
“Please pass the bee-nut butte-”
*wife glares*
“-the honey”
i can confirm that Somali pirates have intercepted my shipment of 20,000 glossy 8×10 headshots and are using them for vile purposes
Go to a botanical garden? Haha, yeah, okay. Like I want to pay money to walk through a giant salad
The difference between running and jogging is that runners compete in races and joggers find dead bodies on Law and Order
Me: How do you like your new bed?
Dog: I love it, it was delicious!!
Me: What?
Dog: Wut
My wife, showing a childhood photo of herself riding a horse: “This is me when I was little.”
The five-year-old, genuinely shocked: “You were a *horse*?”
Why is it called gluten intolerance and not “going against the grain”?
eclipses are always a great opportunity to convince your young child that you have god-like supernatural powers and should never be crossed. oh you want me to bring the sun back? go pick up your toys
Every time I get an eyelash in my eye, I’m reminded of how quickly I would die in the wild.