[walks into a laundromat with a bag of popcorn kernels and heads straight to the dryers]
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What’s your zodiac sign? I’m a banjo wizard.
[stranded on a desert island]
*plane flies over head and drops a letter*
Me: omg I’m going to be rescued!
*opens letter*
we’re just reaching out to you about your car’s extended warrantyMe: Sonofa-
me and the Superbowl rn
Since Julius Caesar’s assassination was a group project there were definitely some guys who did just enough stabbing to get a passing grade.
Why isn’t a menu board at a coffee house called JavaScript?
i slap your apartment floor and ask you what year it was made. you don’t understand so i do exactly the same thing again
When we die, do you think that we go to heaven and reunite with all of the socks we have lost over the years? And St. Peter is just smiling like “go on in, they’re waiting for you” and it’s just a plush, green meadow full of all of your lost socks frolicking in the sun.
My husband bought an alien green suv so he wouldn’t have to remember when he parked.
ALIEN: Take me to your leader
ME: [eating pizza with a fork] Bold of you to assume that I’m not the leader
Every time I go to the grocery store my husband asks what I’m going to buy. What does he think I’m going to buy, a tiger?
I deserve a reward for backing out of my driveway without hitting one blade of grass, a sprinkler head, or a small tree.
My 19 year old refers to the show The Blacklist as “The Adventures of Crime Dad” and now you will too.
You’re welcome.
Shapewear for women, but it’s a system of pulleys and levers so you can morph into different configurations, like “sexy Chrysler Building” or “new condos going up”
20,000 Tons Of Pubic Hair Trimmed In Preparation For Valentine’s Day
Sorry I dropped you during the trust fall, I was going through your phone.
Me: I had a meeting with your teachers. They had a lot of good things to say about you, including that you’re super, super smart.
6-year-old: Wait, wait, go back. How many supers?
Go home, Twitter. You’re drunk.
Reminder: Please just hit the “RT” button on my tweets if you’re ugly. Don’t want people associating your busted face with my art.
[wakes up & turns to wife]
“I had a nightmare. You died.”
“Aw. It was just a-”
“Let me finish. You died & I had to make my breakfast.”
Capitalism is making me sad so I’m going to buy myself a little something.
Next time you kill thousands of innocent people in a disaster, tell the judge you “work in mysterious ways” and see how far it gets you.
*Throws up some gang signs*
*stabs self in eye with salad fork*Hubs: Next time you do the Macarena, put your fork down.
*cold day in hell
Satan: Dammit! Did some band get back together?
With every wisdom tooth lost, your mouth gets a little stupider.
Twitter is like:
funny joke
funny joke
funny joke
HORRIFIC IMAGE YOU CAN NEVER UNSEE
funny joke
funny joke
angry guy who didn’t get the joke
Horse buying tip: ALWAYS ask how much horsepower a horse has. If a horse has less than one horsepower, you’ve got yourself a crap horse.
My favorite Skrillex song is the one where he drops a spoon into the garbage disposal and steps on a cat’s tail.
Waitress: ‘Do u have any questions about the menu?’
Me: ‘What kind of font is this?’
Someone hired a sloth with a knife to murder me, he’s in my driveway, so I have 6-8 months to live
Only just finding out about a past glitch in Sims 4 where your pet can text you.