If Superman were a realtor, he could describe literally any apartment in the world as ‘a stone’s throw from the beach’.
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Someone had to say it 🤷♂️
They should use the good cop/bad cop tactic with more occupations, like good proctologist/bad proctologist.
Who told cauliflower it can be anything it wants?
*checks watch*
*gets up off toilet*
I don’t have time for this shit
I had to memorize a random 18 digit password before she’d let me in. Guess who stole your Soap Opera Digest out of the mailbox, Mom?
genie: hello-
me: i wish for a goth figure skater to get into the olympics and do a routine to welcome to the black parade
They said good sex was all about chemistry, so I wore a lab coat & slept with a beaker.
Telling everyone I’m premed…
(short for premeditating their murder)
King Crab: look at me, I have delicious legs
Imitation Crab *with funny voice*: look at me, I have delicious legs
Hate freeloaders who join in the New Year’s Eve countdown for the last 10 seconds. I’ve been doing this all year. Where were you back in May
thinking about eating a lot of candy. which i have obtained legaly, through the trick or treat system, for many years
SON: What will happen when I die?
DAD: Well son, you know how all dogs go to heaven?
SON: YA-
DAD: You’re not a dog.
My hair style can best be described as “Always looks as if I just pulled a sweater over my head.”
It was worth a shot 😂
I’ve written a musical called Fish. It’s very similar to Cats, although Memory’s a lot shorter.
So, this is hard to say, but: Worcestershire sauce
Oddly enough, ever since downloading
AdBlock onto my computer …..all the local girls in my area
seem to have lost interest.
How the hell wizards don’t set fire to themselves, I’ll never understand; attempting to make potions and stuff, with those dangly sleeves.
Have kids so you can be done with your Christmas shopping & they can hand you their “updated” list which includes nothing you bought.
I offered my nephew a donut and he said “no thanks, I’m not hungry rn” and I don’t think this little shit knows how donuts work.
I never feel more productive than when I’m watching cleaning videos.
Friends with benefits? What, like you can provide dental insurance?
I hope Hell freezes over soon. A few women have promised me dates when it happens.
Why is it so dry under the lawn chairs? Cause the lawn canopy
Wanted: Human left leg, to finish the monster I’m making in my basement. Will pay handsomely. No weirdo’s.
Walked past a group of cats that meowed at me so I meowed back. They stopped meowing and now I’m worried I said something homeowphobic
Giving someone the finger while driving used to mean a lot more when you had to manually roll your window down to do it
I’m 30 years old and I’ve watched Frozen 18 times this week…
For those of you out there thinking about having unprotected sex tonight…
After a long day of weeding, I just sat down in the grass to drink some water. Suddenly I felt unnerving crawly sensations on my backside. Christ, I didn’t know “ants in your pants” was an actual thing!!! 🐜
[raises hand in English class]
Why do we need to be learned English?
“Hmm.. Couldn’t have worded that better myself, Luke”