wife: What happened to you?
me *limping* I took a nap
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FINE, I WON’T.
I woke up because of birds chirping.
I wish I had wings too.
I would fly to each of these birds & choke them one by one.
6 am is too early.
Me singing: Then I saw her face!! Now I’m a Beliber! Not a trace of doubt in my mind!
Roommate: You DO know that’s a guy…right?
[at dry cleaners]
Me: Hi, did I drop something off here a few weeks ago?
Owner: Yes
Son: *walks out from back* Daddy!!!
Starting to consider a run for political office. Not because I want to do anything, but I’m curious what sort of shit they dig up on me. Would be nice for someone to piece together my 20s.
[working in garage]
“Hand me a screwdriver, son”
A flat one?
“No”
[mixes vodka and Orange Crush] Here ya go
Man “addicted to brake fluid” claims he can stop any time he wants.
Teaching my first English course this semester has been rewarding but I don’t know what to do with this student
AC changed bail to basil, and now I’m sitting in jail with some lovely herbs.
My best quality: telling it like it is.
My worst quality: telling it like it is.
Me: *on the TV show “House Hunters”* There’s a house. And there’s one. Ok there’s like 5 right next to each other.
My daughter just told me I’m giving her gray hairs and ran for her stress ball so I think I’m finally nailing this whole parenting thing.
If a tree falls in the woods it should break into a light jog so it looks like it did it on purpose.
Facebook: Here are some people you may know
Me: I don’t know them
Facebook: Ok I’ll ask you again next time
Me: No, I still won’t know them
Facebook: ok lol
Me: I’m serious
Facebook: Haha ok
Me: You gonna stop it?
Facebook: *winks* yes
Me: Did you just wink?
Facebook: *winks* no
Witness protection, but for men who have accidentally told a woman she looks tired
ATTN: @MikeBloomberg. Your campaign is clearly struggling. Hire me to write jokes for you. Here’s a sample: “Bernie Sanders is so old that the first time he ran for president the election got hacked by PRUSSIA!”
People in glass houses shouldn’t throw stones. Or plates. Paper plates are ok. No hammers, though. What are you – Thor?
Women out here dating guys with three felonies
but being a sagittarius is too much of a red flag.
CNN: do u want notifications for breaking news
Me: for really important stuff i guess
CNN: an Iowa woman just ate 37 McRibs
Me: i said impor-
CNN: using chopsticks
Me: she did what
It’s actually illegal to see your neighbour washing his car and not say ‘You can do mine next if you want!’.
I just innocently told my wife that for the past 8 years I’ve thought it was okay to put bobbles and hair pins in the bin if they’re just left lying around.
Holy shit. What a moment.
Any new zombie movies that want to be believable need to include random people who walk directly up to zombies & get bitten on purpose because they think getting bitten will help them build immunity against being bitten. They also need to mock people trying to avoid being bitten.
[restaurant]
Waiter: Chicken?
Me: No I’ll fight you RIGHT NOW
Never play musical chairs against a person in a wheelchair. They will always beat you.
The year is 2482.
The human population has been decimated.
Machines have taken over Earth.
A new season of Grey’s Anatomy starts.
I talk a lot of shit for someone whose immune system interprets my ear piercings as a threat.
when I was like 16 I tried to prank my mom on april fools by telling her I was pregnant and she said you have to have sex to get pregnant emma
I hate it when my sock puppets fight. I don’t have a free hand to break them up.
I’m praying for you…
So if a bird shits on your car right after you wash it…
That’s from me
Benefits of dating me:
1. You’re the smart one