has anyone researched why & how Timothee Chalamet has been 17 years old for nearly a decade
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Dear women,
3 reasons why you need to accept we men are mature.
No 1. We know what upsets you.
No 2.
Hahahahahaha… I said “number 2”
They say don’t eat when you’re bored but I never get bored of eating so I think I’m good.
[trapped inside a volcano]
Me:
Toddler:
Me:
Toddler: Be Careful…
Me: *sigh*
Toddler: The floor is lava…
“I challenge you to a duel!”
“Very well. The weapon?”
“Compliments.”
“A capital choice.”
“Thank you, I- oh! I see you’ve dueled before!”
Couples that stay fit together don’t trust each other enough to go to the gym alone
Teach a man to fish, feed him for a lifetime
Teach an octopus to play drums, change rock music forever
“What kind of dog do you have?”
“Half Boxer, 1/4 Poodle, 1/8 Tibetan Mastiff, 1/8 Catahoula Leopard Dog”
“And what kind of cat?”
“Orange”
Careful, friends. [bends down and examines a handprint in the sidewalk] There is a very powerful child nearby.
I don’t want to be hot. I don’t want to be sexy. I want to live under a bridge and refuse to let goats pass over it unless they successfully answer my three riddles.
‘You have a choice to not be rotten’ I patiently explain to my cat who promptly responds by vomiting on the couch
[in hospital]
son: what happened dad
me: bar fight
son: over what?
me: he said… *clenches fists* he said Zelda is a boy
Sorry I screamed in terror when you showed me that pic of your offspring. She’s a very lovely whatever the hell she is.
Saw sign in yoga store: Do One Thing A Day That Scares You. So today I start raping coyotes.
I can never tell if a woman’s smiling at me because she’s interested or if it’s just my hot dog costume
me: why are you leaving me Barbar?
Barbara: because after 11 years you can’t get my name right
me: but I love you Brabra
Really, iTunes? You need to update my calculator app? Have there been changes to basic math that I’m unaware of?
Alien Archeologist: this human was buried covered in chicken bones, we theorize he believed in a poultry afterlife.
Me: (25,000 years earlier, climbing into a KFC dumpster in the dead of night)
Me: Let me stay over. I’ll burn you breakfast in the morning.
Her: You mean BRING me breakfast.
Me: *pulls battery from smoke alarm* Yeah
Tricks I can do with a skateboard
•look at it
•smell it
•rub the top
•fall off it if I stand on it
•spin the wheels with my fingers
•sell it
This raises questions
For the record ladies, your insecurities about your bodies is a bigger turn off to guys than your bodies ever could be.
This painting is titled ‘Mondays? Amirite?’
“Cake by the Ocean” probably has some alternate meaning but I’m too old to really care so I like to think it’s about a nice, young fellow eating birthday cake on the beach.
Dog: Why don’t you feed me more?
Me: Because I love you and I don’t want you to get fat.
Dog: … You must really hate yourself.
“Hey, will you join us in our street protest?”
No thanks
“Why not?”
I actually love streets
Prius and Smart Car owners in my neighborhood got together and banned leaf blowers for safety reasons…
How was I supposed to know unleashing 342 cats in a club would turn to bone-chilling horror the instant the disco balls started up?
[1999]
“y2k” making us anxious
[2019]
“k” making us anxious
Villain: Hand over your gun.
*I hand him my gun*
Villain: And your sidepiece.
*I hand him my sock*