Friend: Do you know karate?
Me: [wanting to sound cool but not overly cocky] I’ve heard of him.
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Didn’t get any sleep last night….I spent the entire time wondering where the sun went.
Then it dawned on me.
Please be on notice:
From this point forward, I shall tweet exactly whatever autocorrect provides.
I’m sorry if that isn’t exact whet you were expectorant.
Brain: no
Heart: yes
Foot: don’t ask me I’m a foot
My 2-yr-old has a toy phone that she pretends to talk on.
She looked right at me and said “hewwo?” into the toy phone.
I grabbed my phone and said, “hello, Isla! This is Daddy!”
She then said, “Isla not home” and hung up on me.
A new survey shows that most Canadians aren’t looking to return to the office full-time. Just a thought, have you guys tried putting a bed in there?
When someone starts a Facebook post with “there are no words…” You better get prepared because you’re about to read a lot of words.
Imagine if there were no cops and you had 8 hands for slapping
kid: i need pencils for school
me: what kind
kid: number 2
[later at the store]
me: do you have any shit pencils
Kidnapper: Pay up or I’ll leak your nudes
Me: So what?
K: Then I’ll tweet your drafts
M: Ok don’t do anything crazy we can work this out
*jumps out of plane*
*begins reading parachute instruction manual*
STEP 1: PUT ON PARACHUTE
*looks up*
Well hell
My 3 year old daughter lost screen time for misbehavior, and now she keeps trying to talk to me.
Well-played, kid. Well-played.
One time I ate so much Trader Joe’s tzaziki while I was babysitting that the next day there was a post-it note on it that said “for the kids only” and that’s just one beautiful beautiful moment in my colorful history
me: you ever have conversations in your head?
me: lmao no
Enjoy this video of ducks changing their minds
People will come in and out of your life. Make sure they’ve gotten the flu vaccine.
-inspirational tweet
Kenny Rogers: You’ve got to know when to hold em’
Neo-natal nurse: awww
Kenny Rogers: And know when to fold em?
Neo-natal nurse: absolutely not
Person: Hi, my name is *my brain plays 3 seconds of air horn*
Me: I’m sorry, what was that?
Person: I’m *air horn*
Me: Again?
Person:
my wife says she’s never worked in tech support, but when something is broken she always has helpful tips like “is it on?” and I’m like ok geek squad
Menopausal women would make great security guards. We are just waiting for someone to piss us off
Date: you don’t look anything like your profile photo
Me: *now crying*
Date: there you are
me: *drinks coffee with protein powder, does bicep curls, flexes fingers*
pickle jar: oh oh
5: I want to do something no one else has ever done.
Me: Help me clean?
5: No. Something fun.
We were making out on the couch and She’s like “Let’s take this upstairs” I’m like “Ok you grab one side and I’ll grab the other!”
This is still funny.
Drumpf’s presidential campaign in reverse: an increasingly laughable story of an egomaniac running for an office he couldn’t possibly win
Spider-man never tweets via iPhone. He’s a web kinda guy.
political ads are like “i”m the only one strong enough to stand for what’s right” then they send you an email “they’re kicking my ass, i’m desperate, i’m losing this thing, i need your $5”
Facebook…because you need to get into a political argument with someone you haven’t seen since the sixth grade.
[movie theater]
*reaches into wife’s purse*
*pulls out lasagna*
me: Told you it’d work
me: well I grew up without a dad and I turned out okay
cw: don’t u collect human teeth??
me: yeah but they’re not my teeth