[me as a knight]
Me: squire, young squire…do you have the time?
Squire: sir by the judge of the sun, it is 3pm
Me: wrong squire, it is (shutting visor) knight time
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Finding out that my kids take the “freeze” “unfreeze” game seriously might be the greatest moment of my life
*wonders how long they’ll stay frozen for*
Someone thanked me yesterday & I tried to say “You’re welcome” & “No problem” at the same time. It came out as “Your problem.”
Siri’s on her period. she needs an iPad
I swear, my kids will make me drive them to my own funeral. And then to the mall.
“Well, first I was afraid… Then I was petrified…”
– Dinosaur explaining how he didn’t survive
My professor doesn’t believe in laser pointers so he uses a fishing pole with a foam finger attached and I can’t contain myself during lecture lmao
I passed gas and my husband asked if I said something so I’ve been laughing for 28 minutes now.
{first day as a dermatologist}
DOCTOR: what brings you in today?
PATIENT: psoriasis.
DOCTOR: hey if your peepers are hurting you should prolly see an optometrist, fella.
I hate when I’m beating my grandma in Mario Kart and she kicks the controller out my hands.
When a guy asks me for pics, I send pics of Margaret Thatcher.
Mom, can teenagers drink coffee?
-my 5yo, planning ahead
every nextdoor post is like “i saw a car drive by my house without asking my permission first. do i call the fbi or the national guard?”
me: listen pal no one talks to me that way
guy with british accent:
Interviewer: there’s a long gap on your resume?
Me: Ah yes, you see I was dressing my toddler
You shouldn’t sneak up on me like that, it’s rude!
Cop –
So ! Technically it’s YOUR fault I was speeding, because I didn’t see you
[buying condoms] Do you have anything bigger? Like if someone wanted to pretend to be a slippery ghost for a day, or something like that.
Optimism? Sure, it’s worth a try. I don’t see how acting like an eye doctor is gonna help, but whatever.
On a bad dinner date? Bump the table with your knee to make the water in your glass ripple. Claim a T-Rex is coming. Sprint out the door.
Awwww finally got my nose pierced this morning.
Never fight over a bus seat with an old lady who’s knitting.
🔦🌙👣
I always hear people bragging about weightlifting. In my opinion, if I have to grunt to pick something up, it can just stay where it is.
Accidentally threw my phone in the garbage bin outside while trying to toss a bag and if that’s not a sign from the universe I chose to ignore when I fished it back out I don’t know what is
What’s heavier? A kilogramme of steel, or a kilogramme of feathers?
My personal favorite unit of measurement is whether or not something is considered “a big whoop”
What are you talking about? My wife hates when I make her laugh. She said what attracted her to me was my complete lack of humor and total inability to have fun.
Brandy Carlile implies the existence of Whiskey Buscrocodile.
[at party]
wife: well I guess we should try and mingle
me: ok
wife:
me: sooo how are u and the kids doing
wife: omg I meant with other people
Aliens: take us to your leader
Me: ok guys listen- he’s probably going to deport you but there is a small chance he’ll want to marry you
Sorry I panicked and told your kids that Santa is able to visit every house in one night because he does meth.
A newly wed guy asked me about marriage. I told him it’s sort of like a museum. You have to be quiet and you can’t really touch anything.