As your goth husband I will adorn you with cursed artifacts then die mysteriously leaving you to be the most feared widow in the village.
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To the girl with the nazi swastika avi that just rt’d me…… You just rt’d a Jew!!!! Enjoy your evening shalom
I’m not one to bet, but I’d put $50 on the fact that the waffle was probably created when someone accidentally stepped on a pancake.
DATE: Are you a dog person or a cat person?
ME: *gets really close to the date & whispers* I’m just a person, what bullshit question is this
My 6yo thinks the Starbucks mermaid has two fish tails for her arms and now I can’t unsee it
My 4yo is now doing the “I definitely don’t need to go to the toilet” dance
Mom: So, do you have someone special in your life?
Me: Define “someone”
Mom: You know, a boyfriend.
Me: Define “boyfriend”
breaking news! ufo caught on tape!!!!!
If anyone needs like five things 25% done and no things 100% done, just let me know.
When kids try to guess your age it will either be completely flattering or utterly devastating, but never correct.
MAKE THE ENTIRE DESK OUT OF MOUSE PAD STUFF
-So many red dots everywhere on the fields this morning, that I haven’t seen before, I wonder what..
-Oh, nooo! Alien invasion!
-..flower they were
Earth, 1980: please stop emitting so much carbon dioxide
People: lol nah
Earth, 2020: HEY REMEMBER WHEN I ASKED NICELY LOL
Brushed the fur off my couch and made another cat.
Boss : Why Are You Late?
She : Heavy Traffic
Boss : Is that my fault?
She : Did I Blame You
Put a picture of a random coworker on your desk to spice up the workplace
Body by Oreos
She looks like she does what the voices in her underwear tell her to do.
National Margarita Day is like any other day except…
“Aye yai yai yai yai yai yai yai yai yai yai”
*passes out*
[gazing into The mirror of Erised]
Harry Potter: *sees his dead parents that he’s never met*
Ron Weasley: *sees a Taco Bell opening in Diagon Alley*
me: why do i feel terrible
brain: coffee is not a food group
brain: eat a vegetable
brain: sleep
me: guess we’ll never know
brain: oh my god
McDonald’s Drive thru: Sorry Drive Thru is closed. You can come inside if you want.
Me: Um
McDonald’s: We’re having some technical difficulties and are overwhelmed right now and decided to shut it down.And that’s how I learned about the importance of self care from McDonald’s.
Sorry I commented on that video of your kid taking his first steps with “aw look you taught it how to walk on its hind legs!”
When my wife packs for a trip she basically moves out.
The actors are getting so old in the Fast and Furious franchise, the next movie will be them stuck in a grocery store parking lot
The universe contains protons,neutrons,electrons and morons.
[husband opening refrigerator]
Me: “What are you looking for?”
Him: “I don’t know, but I’m sure we don’t have it”
2016 has been pretty bad but at least girls stopped drawing mustaches on their index fingers and holding them under their noses.
WWE is French for “yes”