My 10 yr old got an F for his Accelerated Reader grade.
Me, “How did you make an F?!”
10, “Why do you say that so angrily? Maybe F means Fantastic. Maybe First place? Maybe Phenomenal.”So close, kid. So. Close.
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*asks Zumba instructor to sign my pizza permission slip*
[At a child’s birthday party, holding a poorly taxidermied possum]
I heard someone likes stuffed animals!
My teen complained that he didn’t like the dinner I made so I told him to be sure to leave his Yelp review & also, I don’t care.
Wife: You won’t believe what Diane did at work today
Me: (thinking, “I don’t care”)
Wife: I heard that
So much focus on the gold silver and bronze! What about the fourth place finisher? Sorry about that 1/200th of a second. Here’s a cheese sandwich.
I had to see these photos of somebody putting their sphinx cat in a wig and dress and now so do you.
When I’m feeling inadequate, I remember that there are women who marry their prison pen pals, and then my own decisions don’t seem so bad.
when someone’s guiding me into a parking spot:
Me: One time I ended up in the changing rooms at a football match in London and caught a glimpse of a naked footballer
Friend: Arsenal?
Me: No, just the front
[swimming]
friend: shark!
me: relax, you’re more likely to be killed by a bus than killed than by a shark
shark: *driving out of control bus into the ocean*
me: well I’ll be damned
Thanks for explaining my tweet to me I was wondering what I meant
People who say having a dog is nothing like having kids have obviously never been to one of my dog’s piano recitals.
Breakfast is the most important meal of the day, desserts are the second most important.
Stop = Hammer time
Full stop = Grammar time
I don’t like who I become when an online form expires in the middle of me filling it out.
I bought 2 bird feeders and now my husband is actually frustrated there are “so many birds” in the backyard.
Who gets angry at birds eating free food from a wooden house? My delightful husband, that’s who.
Timothy Chalamet as Willy Wonka is interesting. On one hand he looks like he’s never actually had chocolate before and on the other he does look like he would enjoy killing children in creative ways while wearing a goofy outfit.
her: have you ever erotically fed someone before?
me: *making airplane noises* why
Finally got the kids to rub my back by pretending it was ticklish
A lot of people don’t know this but Hotel sheets aren’t tucked in tight. It’s actually the bed bugs playing a lil game of tug of war with you
SAW 14:
HELLO JIMMY
I WANT TO PLAY A GAME
THE DOOR IS 10FT AWAY
THE FLOOR IS COVERED IN LEGOS
YOU’RE PROBABLY WONDERING WHERE YOUR SHOES ARE
I’m sorry I thought your dog’s name was Maverick and your kid’s name was Cooper
All I’m saying is if you don’t want me to walk into the women’s restroom put words not pictures on the doors…
[restaurant]
RACCOON (in trench coat): one egg
WAITER: one egg? *suspicious* you’re not from around here, are you?
RACCOON: t-two eggs?
WAITER: ah yes, that’s a normal quantity of eggs
RACCOON: *excitedly* five eggs!
WAITER: *eyes narrow*
Anonymous just switched everyone in Isis from Amazon Prime shipping to basic shipping. Good luck getting Fallout 4 by Christmas terrorists!
Him: how about we finish dinner and you can show me your bedroom
Me: why wait? *pulls out cellphone and flips through photos of my room*
I go back to work tomorrow, ending my 91 day weekend.
*hears a sound*
haha lol wat if its a ghost
*5 hours later*
wwhat if it was a ghost
Life isn’t about the moments that take our breath away. That’s asthma. You’re thinking of asthma.