its actually not that difficult to tell crocodiles and alligators apart. one will see you later and one will see you in a while
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I was 36 before I figured out most of my dad’s advice to me was just quotes from Burt Reynolds movies.
I wanted to lose 10 pounds this year. Only 13 to go.
*dies*
*gets to heaven*
*sees furries everywhere*
Me: What the…
Jeebus: Hell hath no furry, man
*laughs, puts on giraffe costume*
At the start of last decade, I was at a high school party, watching my crush kiss my cousin. Now, 10 years later, I’m finally the one kissing my cousin.
Me: You’re sooo cute!! Come over here and give me a hu—
4 (*leaving the room*): Pause my show.
I use the phrase “when I win the lottery” a lot for someone who never buys any lottery tickets.
Tell me again why was it necessary to dress as Snow White & bring a basket of eggs to the delivery?
Heading to Jo Ann fabrics for tweet inspiration. They have a lot of material.
I’m by far not the best person but by far the worst thing I’ve ever done is accidentally touch the mailman through my house’s mail slot. I have never before heard the sort of noise he made after reaching into what he hoped was the cold embrace of a mail slot and finding a hand.
Looks the same on the way in, as it does on the way out
for years you mocked us, you made fun of our over-sized purses full of goldfish crumbs, our hair ties on our wrists, our jackets just in case, but who do you need now? who has 6 half-full containers of hand-sanitizer stored in old bags around the house? that’s right. moms.
I’m not a religious person but I do call my water bottle Jesus because its contents magically turn to wine at any of my kids sporting events.
Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: I don’t even know why I exist.
Who wants to go pull on some push doors with me??
Me: It’s unrealistic that the Angels blindly trusted Charlie’s voice coming through a speaker, amirite?
Siri: I’m not sure I understand
Writers will call anything menacing and I’m just supposed to accept it. “A menacing wind” “a menacing howl in the distance”. Just say you’re scared of wind and corgis. Don’t try to convince me it’s reasonable.
I can’t stop coughing. Think I’ll go see a movie in a crowded theater while slowly eating a bag of bone-dry popcorn.
In every successful relationship the MAN always has the last word – “Yes Dear.”
WIFE: Wanna split the last slice of pizza?
ME: Nah, you take it
KING SOLOMON (entering dramatically): You, sir, are the pizza’s real mother
Sorry I used your baby’s bald head as a lipstick blotter.
[opens GPS voice command]
FIND DOGS TO PET
My boyfriend literally has no problem making friends with anybody…
Welcome to your 40’s: that white stuff in your hair, is your hair.
Depends on what the free sample is. Is it brisket?
MUGGER: Hand over your wallet.
MY DAD: No, no, no. You’re holding the knife all wrong. Ugh, just give me that… and, pull up your damn pants.
Why did the terrorist buy himself a new Porsche?
He was going through a midlife ISIS!!
You spin me right round, baby, right round…
~ my Roomba at night probably
What’s the optimum number of puppets for a job interview? I know it’s not seven
Me: Trust me, I’ve got everything under control.
Narrator: lmao you know what I’m ’bout to say..