A crab has one big arm because that’s the one he uses to bring all the groceries in.
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I understand that t-shirt guns exist but what about shooting pants at people? This seems useful too
Me: Man T-Rexes looked so cool
Scientist: Nah actually they looked like giant idiot birds
Me: Oh bummer. They were great hunters tho
Scientist: There’s evidence they were scavengers
Me: Ok maybe just stop ruinin-
Scientist: They wore socks with sandals
me [as a robber]: What? You wanna case the joint AGAIN??
Child: [crying]
Me: OMG WHAT’S WRONG?
Child: My science grade dropped to a B+!
Me [who at the age of 53 learned that a lamb is a baby sheep and not a completely different animal]: Well you’ll just have to try harder.
Parole officer: Come in and take a seat
[me, finishing a jail term for stealing chairs] *starts sweating*
So: a needle pulling thread
Thread: a way to stack your tweets
Tweet: the thing I did instead
When they honked at me to go
It’s her summer break so I woke my 12 year old daughter up at 5:15 this morning. I’ve been waiting for this revenge since she was 4.
Pizza won’t solve your problems but you gotta try something.
“We have an idea for a video game. Picture a big gorilla on top of some metal framing hurling barrels at a plumber.”
That could not make any less sense. What’s the gorillas first name
“Donkey”
Spending the day removing $1.6 billion worth of stuff from my Amazon shopping cart.
I have a riddle about lice but it’s a real head scratcher
Here’s the upside to having kids who are older:
I just sent out a group text letting them all know they’re on their own for dinner.
People joke about being left hangin, but it’s not funny to me. My cousin died from an unrequited high five.
Marriage is between two people: one person who is on the verge of sleep and one person who is asking if the front door is locked.
I don’t know what upsets me more, the fact that that guy stole my tweet or that he only got 2 retweets off of it
Me: I picked out a pricy rock I think you’ll like
Her: You mean you’re finally going to propose to me?
M: I was talking about your headstone
[laying in bed]
Wife: I’d rather chew on aluminum foil while listening to Nickelback
Me: …a simple, “I have a headache” would’ve been fine
Can’t wait for my family to go to sleep so I can do that thing I like*
*eat the good cheese
Me : Sorry Boss, I’m late as I had to drop my girlfriend at her college.
Boss : If you are late again you are fired.
Me : Fine, YOU can drop your daughter at college from tomorrow.
What about a Hallmark movie where a country farmer with a heart of gold visits family in the big city and finds cheap lust and superficial thrills in the arms of a steely and powerful businesswoman?
No one:
Absolutely no one:
My 5yo: I wanna know how people break out of jail.
Every time someone tries to fight with me on Twitter a middle finger gets its wings.
a duck was about to cross the road when a chicken came running up and said… don’t do it man … you will never here the end of it!
Love is always patient and kind.
Pandas, skunks and zebras are the oldest species on Earth, dating back to long before colour was invented.
My dog just winked at me, and now I’m wondering just exactly what the two of us are keeping from the rest of the family.
[Hospital front desk]
“Yeah my wife is here for weight loss surg-”
*wife hits me*
“Baby delivery, I mean she’s here to deliver a baby”
*buys dog organic, free-range, non-nitrate chicken treats for $7.99, buys self Big Mac
[private investigator hands me a folder] well she’s not cheating on you
[looking though numerous photos of my wife refrigerating bread] oh god no
Jesus rose from the grave because he forgot to clear his browser History