*laughs all the way to the bank*
*cries all the way back*
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[Witches Kitchen]
Mama: I made you a birthday cake and I used pig blood so it’s nice and moist
Daughter: wow okay that’s gross
Mama: what, I thought you liked pig blood?
Daughter: oh I do, but stop saying moist
instead of texting “on my way” im a just send this
Some people aren’t just missing a screw the whole toolbox is gone
One hamburger please
CHICK-FIL-A: Sorry we only serve chicken here
Oh
*leaves*
*comes back wearing a chicken costume*
One hamburger please
Mcdonald’s is the true nemesis of anyone trying to lose weight.
Their Arch enemy, you might say.
Being with you is like listening to golf on the radio.
Me: inside me there are two wolves
Wife: omg you fatass you ate my wolf too??
I’m never more aware of a room’s acoustics than when I’m trying to enjoy a snack I have no intention of sharing.
i don’t think you all understand. if Taylor Swift didn’t have a private jet she’d be Taylor Slow
Coronavirus is a middle school friend who’s mad at you for some reason but won’t tell you why “because you should know why” & you’re ignoring it & trying to act cool but everyone can see you’re slope shouldered/sad & this metaphor has gotten away from me LARA TELL ME WHAT I DID.
Zumba instructor: I’m thinking of teaching yoga too.
Me, the current yoga instructor: Namaste in your lane, Chandie.
Me: Hi, I’d like to order an anniversary bouquet.
FTD customer service: And what kind of flowers would you like in it?
Me: Something that really represents our love. Do you carry crabgrass and poison ivy?
[first date]
HER: I totally love Nirvana
ME: Oh yeah? Name one of their albums
HER: Nevermind
ME Okay, forget about it then
Return of the Jedi is not possible without the receipt of the Jedi.
Did you know?
A cowbird will sneak into another bird’s nest, lay her egg, and leave it for the other bird to raise.
And I’ll be damned if that isn’t the best parenting hack I’ve ever heard.
My kid at 8am: Mommy!
Me: Yes, my love?My kid at 8pm: Mommy!
Me: WHAAATTTTTTTTTTTTTT NOWWWWW?!
Twitter is over Capacity! Well, so’s my liver but you don’t see me slowing down because of it.
Before you curse gravity, just imagine how unsatisfying sitting down would be without it.
My kid wanted to watch something scary, so I had her watch the cashier ring up our groceries.
Letting my son turn the pages when we read together so he’s more engaged with the story and also because sometimes he accidentally skips pages.
Things I’ve Learned From Horror Movies:
•Don’t have sex, you’ll die.
•Don’t leave the group, you’ll die.
•Don’t be black, you’ll die first.
Whenever my wife gets smug about winning an argument I like to remind her that up until a year ago she thought narwhals were mythological creatures.
1. Wear a black shirt
2. Roll around on my floor near my couch.
3. Admire your ‘Everything Bagel’ costume
Me : One of your friends punched me in the face!
Him : Which one?
Me : I only have one face, Carl.
Don’t perform CPR because you never know when a giant alien spider is dressed in a human suit.
They say Stouffer’s family-size lasagna serves 6.
Challenge accepted. [grabs fork]
I’m just over here waiting for my 1st Richard pic.
Good news
I have almost 500,000 miles on my office chair …. So I got that going for me.