It’s weird how many people at my office are named “Hey.”
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Dinosaurs never could’ve survived til the present day. Could you imagine a stegosaurus in a Honda Civic? It’d be totally ridiculous in 2017.
Setting my phone on do not disturb because I’m about to eat nachos and want zero interruptions.
I set the automatic reply on my work email to “I don’t negotiate with terrorists.”
Now we wait.
Offend your local English teacher by calling classic novels boring.
[googles “camaflage spiders”]
-no results-
phew.
wait…
[googles “camouflage spiders”]
-11,345,453 results-
motherf
So tell me, which of my chins is your favorite?
I told my 5 year old my birthday was coming up and he asked if we were going to have pizza and a bounce house and now I’m wondering why the hell I’m not.
My 3yo laughed and said look at this really funny picture of you Dad!
Then he held up my driver’s license
4yo: *shoots me with gun*
*stuffs gun in my pocket*
*runs away*
Me: *Realizes he just made it look like a suicide*
*keeping an eye on him*
“Dad can we get a puppy?”
“No but we can get a submarine if you like?”
[2 hours later 3000m beneath the pacific]
“dad I should be at school”
she’s all “don’t sleep in the nude- what if there’s a fire and the fire men come and see you naked”
uh you pretty much described my fantasy
I learned the name of my neighbor’s dog today.
In other news, I now have free wifi.
Every parent the first time their teen drives on the freeway.
Boss: Don’t sit in that cubicle, it’s haunted by the ghost of Steve
New Hire: Prove it
Boss: DONUTS IN THE BREAKROOM
* the office chair spins around immediately *
The hardest thing Vision has to do
Comment: London’s WorldPride? It’s really WorldShame
Imagining the meeting I call to apologize to my co-workers for posting a video in which I publicly accused them of plotting my murder.
when the author kills off your favorite character 😭😭😭
Got a new stove today and then ordered a pizza because I don’t want to ruin it by getting it dirty or anything.
My 5 year old thinks that there’s a monster under his bed so I assured him that it won’t get him as long as he stays in bed until 8AM.
Husband: *snoring*
It’s like he’s trying to tell me something
*snoring*
What is it boy?
*snoring intensifies*
Timmy’s stuck in a well?
I lost 30 lbs, and did it without exercising or changing my diet! Ask me how.
Not right now, though. I’m waiting for my meth dealer to call.
[hijacking a hot-air balloon] i have scissors
My dog just ate a butterfly and probably saved Tokyo from a tidal wave. I don’t understand science.
Every library has something in it to offend everyone, and in this library that thing is probably me.
“If you want to lose weight eat in front of a mirror, nude”. Tried it. All I saw was a happy naked woman eating cheese.
This weekend I lost an hour to daylight saving time and another hour stuck behind a person at the ATM who was apparently transferring funds to a Swiss bank account, refinancing their mortgage, and making 12 withdraws from 12 different accounts.
Her: *leaving seductively, slowly dragging fingertip across countertop*
Mgr: What’d she want?
Me: nothing.
Mgr: Where’re all the donuts?
My daughter just started singing “I ate some brains down in Africa,” and now I kinda like her version better