furnishing my new place and can’t pick what dining table or chairs I want. All I know is that my nachosaurus is on the way and needs somewhere to stand.
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why are you as a non alcoholic cocktail priced in the double digits
Overheard my girls discussing how they each want 6 kids someday and “Mom will help!” so this is when I start planning my future island bartending life.
“Alexa, take down the Christmas decorations.”
The first Saw movie should have been called Footloose.
Twitter is like a conversation at the water cooler. If the water cooler was full of vodka. And you could smoke. And the boss was out of town
Me: How was school?
5: It was good. I only needed a couple of reminders
Me: what did you need to be reminded about?
5:
Me:
5: You don’t need to worry about that
Grimace: *commits crimes against the United States*
Law Enforcement: “We believe we’ve identified the purpletraitor”.
Remember four years ago when we were all ‘nature is healing’ and then my grandma got mugged by a swan.
A song called “Baby It’s Not *THAT* Cold Outside” where I’m just trying to get the lady to leave
Put my fitted sheet and duvet cover in the washing machine for a death match to see which one swallows the other.
Her: Well, I know I told you that.
Me: *closes eyes*
Her: What are you doing?
Me: Checking for it in my spam folder.
Me: coming to the office Xmas party?
Steve: no [whispers] Lisa just lost her father
Me: there’ll be like 50 of us there. We’ll help you look
Me: Make sure you close the bag.
My kids:
I was fired from volunteering at the fire department. Apparently “wax the pole” means different things to different people.
“Tell me about yourself”
Well, I’m a Canadian-
“Oh yeah? Tell me a joke funnyman”
Tom Cruise has never starred in a movie where his character description didn’t include the word “hotshot.”
Is this what y’all think when you read my tweets 🤦🏻♀️😂
“As far back as I could remember I always wanted to shut an island” – Leo DiCaprio in Shutter Island
* My life flashes before my eyes*
Me, a mom: Why did I only see laundry?!
me: if you love something, set it free
wife: [stopping me from releasing our baby into the wild] don’t
And I was never asked to make anything for the school bake sale again
No one told me middle age would be so fuzzy, and if you are wondering whether I mean my eyesight or my facial hair, yes.
Me: How’s it look?
Doc: You have 2 months to live
M: WHAT?? You’re my dentist!
D: Then you don’t need to come back for a cleaning in 6 mos
Just bought a new pair of running shoes. Very excited to see how they look on the highest shelf in the closet.
Ok I have a confession…. When I was 10 I use to get hungry during the church service and I would sneak to the kitchen and heat up the sausage biscuits they would have in the fridge for Sunday school. I didn’t know they kept inventory. They said 100 went missing in a month 🫠
If your girlfriend says “my pyramid is late…”
Know two things:
1. Your hearing is poor
2. That’s not your biggest problem right now
It’s a doge eat doge world out there. Such cutthroat. Very survival of the fitter
The person with duct tape holding most of their car together always has the right-of-way.
I had surgery on my hand but I’m telling everyone it’s a “cooking injury” so I can brag about my tamale recipe
ATTORNEY: Ladies and gentlemen, how could my client have committed murder WHEN IT’S AGAINST THE LAW [whispering throughout courtroom]