Give yourself something to look forward to tomorrow: Text a friend, “I think you owe me an apology,” then turn off your phone and go to bed
You Might Also Like
professor x: what’s your superpower
me: I make text look like faces
professor XD : what?
doctor who has a passion for magic, during a colonoscopy: is this your card?
I’m putting on weight for a movie
*eats popcorn in cinema
grandmas be like imma stay for a few days and reset your children back to factory settings
gf: ooh a blindfold, kinky
me: *seductively* ill go get the piñata
Secret to a successful marriage is to compliment your spouse before discussing tasks and chores
The rain is pouring. So naturally it’s a good day to eat 6 donuts.
Listen here weather report, don’t tell me 1” hail.
You tell me Oreo size hail so I can understand.
in case you were wondering how things are going these days for the generation that attended kindergarten exclusively via zoom…
our 6yo has started surreptitiously playing wordle on his school-issued chromebook while in class and skyping us his score
Whenever I need a good laugh…
…I start reading suggested serving sizes.
If I was the editor of Vogue, I’d just put an actual skeleton on the cover with the headline, “Feel bad yet? You should, Fatty.”
the tiny monsters are on their way. and my job. is to hold this bucket of snacks for them. i was told they can only take one. but that’s not my rule to enforce
After seven years of marriage, I can always guess what’s bothering my wife. I’m never right, but I can always guess.
captain: is there a doctor on this plane?? this man is having a heart attack
me: i have a BA in english
guy having a heart attack: that’s brutal, hang in there
What the hell, Everyman Cinemas? I booked the last available seat for Tetris The Movie and the whole row disappeared.
I believe in you. I also believe in dragons, so don’t get too excited.
Flowers for Valentine’s Day are cool…but what she really needs is windshield wiper fluid.
Me: ‘This may be the booze talking, but that is a VERY snazzy outfit you have on there.’
Cop: ‘Step out of the car, please.’
Texting drivers running over texting pedestrians: a modern day zombie apocalypse.
Things will get butter, keep churning
Me, a cop: you’re gonna have to do a lie detector test
Detainee: I mean ok
Me: first question, do you like my outfit be honest
My neighborhood barber just got arrested for selling drugs…
I’ve been his customer for 6 years.
I had no idea he was a barber.
I’m a 67-year-old obese male with moderate COPD and I’m pretty sure the coronaviruses are passing around pictures of me.
One of many embarrassing moments for me was when someone told me that they were an equestrian and I asked how was Ecuador this time of the year
I enjoy quaint, old-fashioned customs like being nice to people.
*logs on Facebook
IT’S YOUR OLD HIGH SCHOOL BULLY’S BIRTHDAY TODAY!
*logs off
WAIT COME BACK!
YOU HAVEN’T HEARD ABOUT YOUR EX’S ENGAGEMENT!
HR: Know why we called you down?
Me: Hmm…my trench coat?
HR: Try again.
Me: Because I’m naked under my trench coat?
[showing colleague a pic on phone]
“NO! Don’t scroll left!”
My face falls as he sees my erotic photo collection of donuts on plates.
i BuILt a dEViCE sO yOu CAn efFoRTLesSly sEnD PasSIvE agGreSsiVe emAILs liKE tHiS.
Hates everyone who has a cooler birthstone than mine.