them: talk is cheap
me: two talks please
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why would someone leave a hollowed out pumpkin on their front porch if they didnt want me living in it
This tweet lives in my head rent free.
Good morning to everyone, especially those who don’t need to turn every tweet into a sexual innuendo, I know it’s hard, very hard.
I wish I understood computers better so I could find those cookies I’ve been accepting all these years.
I don’t trust anyone who can pick “one favourite” anything.
Screw you, you decisive jerk.
Government Shutdown: Day 4
3am: Monkey House, National Zoo
A door crashes open.
A triumphant screech.Ben Stiller escapes into the night.
Had day surgery – came out with about fifteen less followers than when I went in with.
So apparently I’m offensive even when unconscious.
[After leaving Willy Wonka’s factory]
ME:
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE: Lot of deaths for a to—
ME: A LOT of deaths for a tour!
Do you Karen promise to love and to cherish Mark, always put the toilet paper on the roll over the top, and not leave crumbs in the butter?
A 2-hour movie called “Can You Watch My Kid For Like 15 Minutes?”
Son, your mom and I have been fighting a lot lately and we have decided that *dad piledrives mom into the coffee table* we’re gonna go pro.
Asked a Target employee if I could open this camera before I buy it and he said he wouldn’t even care if I killed someone in front of him.
I worry a lot about the wild animals in my neighborhood but I’m beginning to think that they don’t worry very much about me.
Once upon a time, I’d leave my seat early at a concert or sporting event so I could beat the traffic.
Nowadays, it’s probably because I need to beat the queue for the toilet.
A tartan is what you get when you sunbathe on the asphalt
I’m drinking espresso until I find how many it takes to vibrate my molecules fast enough that I can pass through walls. So far it’s not seventeen and I’m running out of Band-Aids
what all these pyramids be scheming about?
Girl from school who refused to dance with me at elementary school disco: can I get some chicken Mcnuggets
Me: well look who’s come crawling back
Anyone: Hey, can I ask you a personal question?
Me: *sound of footsteps running away*
In my 20’s: why is eating healthy such a big deal anyways.
In my 40’s: oh.
If you like piña coladas / Getting caught in the rain / Drink this piña colada / It was caught in the rain
Has anyone tried cutting the pandemic with a knife to make sure it isn’t actually an illusion cake?
[small-town McDonald’s cashier holds bill up to light, studies it]
Me: You get a lot of counterfeit fives around here?
You girls were right about these yoga pants. I have never been more comfortable eating a bucket of extra crispy.
Me: [eating apple & staring out window] It really works.
*roving gang of doctors walk past house*
*feral teacher crashes through window*
20: sometimes you see someone so basic you just know they listen to the Beatles
Me: hey!
20: oh it’s okay for you to listen to the Beatles. You’re old
governor said not to attend any gatherings w/ more than 10 people so I guess I’m still on for the smashmouth concert
My husband is going to be so surprised when he finds out the woman I’ve been sleeping with is way hotter than his girlfriend.