Superman: online shopping again? money won’t buy you happiness Bruce
Batman: *ordering kryptonite* we’ll see
You Might Also Like
When the inventor of the USB stick dies they’ll gently lower the coffin, then pull it back up, turn it the other way, then lower it again.
In Russia, Pokemon find you.
Archaeologist: These drawings – could the horn shapes on top of their heads actually be antennas? Are we seeing depictions of aliens?
A zillion years ago: Here kids take this charcoal and go draw on the rocks.
3yo: Ima draw daddy when he gets up in the morning. 𝘨𝘪𝘨𝘨𝘭𝘦
My grasp of English, my journalism degree, and my sanity are all in question since I instructed my kids to put on “long sleeve pants” this morning
How funny would it be if NASA discovered a sign on Mars that read, “Congratulations humans, level 1 completed!”
cats: you just cleaned this box, i must use it
dogs: I can’t use a clean area, I must go where everyone has gone before me
Legacy implies the existence of armacy.
[in hell]
ME: *sitting down in auditorium* this doesn’t seem so bad
SATAN: *on stage* hi everyone, before I begin my interactive performance—
ME: ugh
SATAN: —I’d like everyone to move down to the first three rows
ME: UGH
Keep this between us, but I’ve snuck Don’t Speak lyrics into every relationship argument I’ve ever had.
Maybe your grandma covered her furniture in plastic because she was a murderer. You don’t know for sure.
Waterboarding at Guantanamo Bay sounds super fun if you don’t know what either of those things are.
Thank goodness I’m loud and obnoxious all the time, so my family can’t blame it on the alcohol.
if I would’ve known that you were going to ask me what I was thinking I wouldn’t have been thinking what I was thinking.
COMPUTER: HINT: name of best friend
ME: Jen
C: Jen sounds nice
M: Wh-what?
C: Is Jen single?
M: Uh…
C: Answer the question. Is Jen single?
My wife says I’ve placed unreasonable expectations on our kids, but I think Superman and Wolverine will turn out just fine.
Heard Santa and his wife separated, which would make them independent Clauses.
Sure, sex is great but have you ever had to pee really bad and managed to reach the washroom just in the nick of time?
Whole ‘nother level!
I saw a group of kids trying to put another kid into a dumpster. I had to step in, they couldn’t even lift him. We high-fived & laughed.
well, my kid accomplished at least one of the two reminders she gave Alexa last night
DR DOG: The test results came back.
PATIENT: Oh God
DR DOG: The tumor is–
*sees a squirrel out the window and takes off*
this is why god doesn’t talk to us anymore
Band: Are you ready to rock?!
Me: I need to pee first.
Went to a parade.
For an hour, bored people on floats waved.
For an hour, My 2-year-old waved back.
It was the greatest day of her life.
I get out of awkward conversations by pulling a balloon out, making a dog and just say I need to take it for a walk.
If you’ve seen one Santa, you’ve seen a mall.
{The Mothburbs}
Mom: Oh no!
Dad: What?
Mom: 16 has that glow about her
Dad: Didn’t you have the talk??
Mom: Sure but you remember your first time?
Dad sighs: Wild horses still can’t keep me away from light bulbs
I love the idea of a fruitarian, just morally affronted that anyone could eat a baby spinach.
me, every single month: why do i feel like shit. why am i so bloated. why am i so upset. i have never felt like this before in my life
God: I made something new. It’s like a tornado, but smaller.
Angel: What do you call it?
God: A toddler.
INTERVIEWER: that’s not what I meant by “what’s your strong suit”
ME: oh *putting shirt back on over superman costume* I’m quite good at excel