Teens: Euphoria from a first kiss
Twenties: Euphoria from skydiving
Forties: Euphoria from a price adjustment at Target
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ME: We live in an uncaring universe void of meaning and purpose.
WIFE: I understand, but you’re still folding all this laundry.
Dad law states that you can use your kids’ piggy bank money to pay the ice cream truck. Especially when your wife and kids aren’t home.
Eve: I think we should see other people.
Adam: There’s other people here?
Eve: No.
A: What the…
E: Sshh! Don’t make this difficult.
“OK…that Trust Exercise didn’t go exactly according to plan. Once we dispose of the bodies let’s keep quiet about this…AS A TEAM!”
One day a guy named Matt banged a waitress and nine months later a mattress was born haha just messin around on this website.
The Goonies went looking for pirate treasure and ended up finding the greatest treasure of all: pirate treasure.
Mad at your man? Five minutes before he gets home, turn on “Pitch Perfect” then hide the remote in the dishwasher.
If you never used that plastic thing that keeps pizza from sticking to the box lid as GI Joe’s poker table you’re too mature for me.
*A tiny bee’s eyes widen while putting on his tuxedo for his big day* “did you say Honeymoon”
Realized I never said “unquote” after reciting a famous poem in 10th grade. Sorry if you thought everything I’ve said since is Shakespeare
i finally learned that stocks are the birds that deliver ur baby so follow me for more finance tips
I just wanted five minutes to drink my coffee so I sent my kid in the other room to look for a toy that’s in my pocket.
Follow me for more parenting hacks.
Them: Do your best you can’t hurt me anymore.
Social media apps: Hold my beer🍺.
The last 3 minutes of any podcast could all be confessions to murder and we’d never know
If you ever want to defeat your enemy in battle, just throw a waterlogged nerf football at their head.
Have kids first so that you know whether or not you can keep a dog alive
Camp Detective: [struggling to get out of a hammock] I suppose you’re all – ugh – I suppose you’re all wondering – mmmmph! Goddamit – why I called you here toda- no! Don’t help me I CAN DO IT
Captain Hook hated Paper Scissors Rock since he could only play Question Mark, which had no value in the game.
* Tries to keep eye contact on a date with a crab *
Crab : My eyes are up here.
I’m stoned. Either the smoke alarm is beeping or the house is backing up.
Me: I never use essential oils
Car mechanic: that’s why it’s on fire
Them: Would you slap a coworker for
25 000$?Me: I’d do it for a Costco hot dog.
You think you’re in pretty good shape and then you shovel two feet of snow and wake up the next day feeling like you threw yourself off of a skyscraper.
Apparently I have a few “tells” when I’m angry.
But I light things on fire when I’m happy too so don’t pretend you know me.
[pulling the casket a few inches away from the wall during a funeral]
sorry just need to plug in my phone for a minute
Considering our obsessions with cats and emojis, the internet really is the new ancient Egypt.
Gwyneth Paltrow: *gestures down there* I need this waxed
Yankee Candle: Please leave
A decepticon is a just a cheeky emoticon at the end of a message intended to excuse the sender and confuse the recipient.
Ex: Please die 😉
Oh sure, a guy spends 3 days in complete isolation and when he comes out, they call him “messiah”, but when I do it, they call it “job abandonment”.