The year is 1981. Everybody’s working for the weekend.
2044: the weekend becomes sentient.
2048: Everybody’s working for the weekend.
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what if “chicken patty” is just short for “chicken patricia”
[simba and nala sit atop pride rock staring at a beautiful sunset]
simba: *pulls engagement ring from his hip pocket* circle of wife amirite!
nala:
simba:
nala: where’d you get a hip pocket?
Hi, Id like to buy a Nutri-Bullet, pls.
Salesperson: Ah, nice. Off on a cleanse or health kick?
Yes. *imagines drinking lasagna* For sure.
God: ok u can make one human that’s it
Satan: how do u feel about toupees & the name Donald
Therapist: And what do we say when we feel like this?
Me: That’s show biz baby
Therapist: No
next time you are washing your hands next to somebody…
cup your hands together until the water overflows.
then look at them and say:
This water is getting out of hand
Nothing says “thought of you, and masturbated” like ‘liking’ a girl’s Facebook photo from 2009.
Any job that calls u a rockstar just know they’re underpaying u
Thinking about my friend who wanted to explore her bisexuality and finally plucked up the courage to go to an ‘introduction to beavers’ workshop at the lesbian camp at a festival we were at, and it was an ecologist talking about beavers (the mammal) for 90 minutes
i love playing rock paper scissors they never expect me to pull a glock out of my pocket
Disease doesn’t care if you are a celebrity, Micheal J. Fox has battled Parkinson for 22 years, and Jamie Lee Curtis is super irregular!
Opening twitter feels like visiting a recently abandoned house – you can still see how things have been but every now and then a picture falls from the wall and no one bothers to look what’s causing the weird smell in the kitchen
Her: MOM! C’MERE!
Her: Oops never mindHer: MOM! MOM!
Her: Oops false alarmHer: WOW! MOM!
Her: Oops my bad[my dog at the window]
[at job interview]
It says here that you are very hands on.
Yes, sir, I am.
Can you give me an example of this?
*gently caresses his face*
Oh good, instead of socks or electronics or whatever…now Amazon can also deliver your life-saving medications to someone else’s house.
I’m sorry we fought. I hate it when you’re wrong.
I played monopoly with 10 and I told him he wasted all his money on 3 properties for hotels no one would probably land on.
Then I landed on it and he bankrupted me. Too bad he’s gotta sleep outside tonight.
If I ever ask you to hold a baby, you better ask whose baby I have because I’m clearly high and stole a baby.
Watching Mad Men with my girlfriend and trying to distract her every time Don Draper is on screen
What idiot called it Airport Facilities Maintenance and not Hangar Management?
In a hotel room. The dog’s growling and whimpering. My wife’s worried the neighbours will think we’re having sex.
AC changed bail to basil, and now I’m sitting in jail with some lovely herbs.
Keep an eye on the horizon. (I‘m sending a homing pigeon with a fruit roll-up)
*bother*
*bother*
*bother*
“WHY ARE YOU BEING SO MEAN TO ME FOR NO REASON”
It’s cute how alcohol comes in a paper bag so when you hit rock bottom you have something to hyperventilate into.
A coworker started telling my kids a story with the sort of zeal you often see from people who don’t have kids of their own. It took less than 4 minutes of inquiries and interruptions for my son to completely break her spirit and bring storytime to a grinding halt. That’s my boy.
sure I’ll interpret that dream for you, it’s about hydration, they’re all about hydration. why else would you be driving a bus full of chickens.
*brakes hard*
*throws arm across passenger seat to protect pizza*
Thinking about getting a part-time job on the weekends so I can take my family to Disney World in 2028.
By age 35 you should:
-live in a cave on a mountain
-hate everyone
-try to destroy christmas at least once
-develop the capacity for empathy and compassion but only after your scheme fails