“Half a league, half a league, half a league onward,” though obscure has a better ring to it than 2640 yards, 2640 yards, 2640 yards onward.
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Toilet roll shortage. Fine.
Potatoes. Yes whatever.
Chocolate shortage.. PANIC BUY.
My 4 year old said he wants to go to JFK for some chicken. He won’t be majoring in history.
They suggested I elevate my feet and so, I was wondering if your shoulders were available.
My tupperware bowl just reminded me that I had spaghetti in 1999.
Idk how we’re supposed to tell when bleu cheese has gone bad. It’s already bad. Do we just check on it periodically to see if it’s getting worse? Then one day say “this cheese is too worse” and toss it out?
“Parkour!”- What I yell after jumping up onto a chair to get away from a scary little mouse.
BAE: wats for lunch
ME: i feel like a sandwich
BAE: u dont LOOK like a sandwich
ME: [secretly been trying to dress sandwichly for weeks] oh.
“Treat yourself,” they say.
“No, wait—not like that—”
But it is too late. I have baked myself into an eclair
Some random lady took down our outside decorations because “Halloween is over,” and now I want to invite her inside because Dinner is over, and I don’t want to clean up from dinner any more than I wanted to clean up after Halloween.
The person who named the eggplant must have been:
a) Colorblind, and
b) Totally high
SORRY I GOT IN THE VAN AND ATE ALL OF THE CANDY AND NOW YOU DON’T KNOW WHAT TO DO WITH ME.
just got divorced on zoom in a dunkin donuts, the way the lord intended
BEARDED DRAGON: So, what do you think?
SMAUG: Get rid of it. You look ridiculous.
You have to love a boss with a sense of humor. Mine just sent me a 7am meeting notice on Outlook and I’ve never laughed so hard…
me: [lists something on fb marketplace for $400 that’s worth $1,000 new.]
person: take $6??
West Side Story is great because it asks ‘What could be more horrifying than gang violence?’ and concludes that the answer is theatre kids.
For whatever reason, I get super quiet when I hear a helicopter…like they are going to fly over my house and say, “WE KNOW HOW MANY TACO BELL SAUCE PACKETS YOU HAVE IN THERE.”
Out of the blue, HR forced us all to review our workplace sexual harassment training.
The office holiday party is next week.
Coincidence?
If Jesus died for our sins then why are there so many popups when i try to watch a movie online illegally
The vegetable crisper or as I call it, the cold garbage can.
Billy Joel’s washing is still wet because he didn’t start the dryer.
me: [jumping out of a cake]
skydiving instructor: really not necessary for the experience
just got absolutely bodied by a 4 y/o girl on the tube – i gave my gf a kiss on the head and she points and shouts “look! her daddy is giving her kisses!”
[being murdered by neighbor]
*I pretend not to see him so I don’t have to make small talk*
4-year-old: What happens if I throw up in the red shoe bin by the door?
Me: Why is your question alarmingly specific?
4: No reason.
Our family has a tradition of opening presents on live video so the kids can be disappointed in real time.
Ibuprofen is the new Chiclets for people over 40
Conservatives say the problem is Christianity ain’t taught in schools. The real problem is Christianity ain’t taught in church.
Me at work: I miss my little angels-my favorite little ppl on this planet
Me after an hour of being home: these kids are the spawn of satan
My kid is mad that his little brother asked for a sip then drank all his water and I never knew justice could taste so sweet