Me: I don’t care how cute you are, I will tear you to shreds if you don’t start cooperating.
Wrapping paper: *rips*
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Cobra’s try and act tough by wearing a hoodie
Me: You Miss 100% Of The Shots You Don’t Take
Vaccination clinic nurse: You are already boosted. Please Leave
The 2020 presidential election will be won by whichever candidate has the strongest policy on adding Waluigi to Smash
If a dude can be CEO of three companies at the same time that just says to me CEO isn’t a very demanding or important job.
them: PTSD
my brain: Pacific Time Standard Disorder
Nothing freaks me out like when I’m ordering from a Chinese restaurant and I ask “What kind of meat is that?” and they answer “yes”
HELLO? HELP! I’VE BEEN KIDNAPPED & DROPPED IN A NON-ENGLISH-SPEAKING COUNTRY & I DON’T KNOW- wait. Nm. Fell asleep at Szechuan Palace again.
Bedroom door opens.
Dog comes in.
Bedroom door closes.My wife’s way of saying “She’s your dog” without saying a word.
Wife: Whatchya thinking about?
Me: *Thinking about how dogs understand more English words than I understand dog words* Science stuff.
Lead me not into temptation. Take my hand and I’ll show you a shortcut.
dont put all your eggs in one basket, put them in the little egg tray in the fridge thats what its for you idiot
My dog really needs to learn how to drive a stick
because what good is fetching one bottle of vodka.
Stranger: Where did you get peanut butter scented sunscreen?
Me: Sunscreen?
Don’t mess with me. I will pull on one of your hoodie strings to make them uneven.
I typo texted my wife asking if she’d like to “celibate” our anniversary, and she replied “that sounds great” and now I’m not sure what to think.
I’m not sure if this snake is trying to ask me a question or if he’s just eaten a candy cane.
good prank: sneak into someone’s house every night over a year and replace thier toilet with a slightly larger one until it fills tthe room
“Clue” is a board game about people trapped in a house and one of them is a homicidal maniac who has just killed. Ages 8 and up.
ME: have you seen my keys?
WIFE: check your pockets
ME: nope
[phone rings]
ME: hello?
CIA: check your other pocket
Outside of a dog, a book is a man’s best friend. Inside of a dog, though, it’s every man for himself
Wait… we’re supposed to be learning from our mistakes?!
*First Date
Her: Why are we at Home Depot?
Me: I wanted to see what it’s like to pick out bathroom tile with you. See if this is worth it.
If quitters never win, and winners never quit, who came up with, “Quit while you’re still ahead?” 🤔😉🤣🤣
HUSBAND: You dropped your phone, broke a glass, and frightened the dog.
ME: Yeah, but I killed the spider!
ME: I have crab like reflexes
DAD:I think you mean cat like reflexes
ME: [sitting in pot of boiling water] what
STAND-UP COMEDIAN: you know how after sex-
ME: [stands up all mad] this isn’t relatable at all
So he says ” Nice glasses” and I say ” Thanks! They’re for seeing ”
*slaps knee*
I wonder how much time Han Solo spent just brushing Chewie’s fur and talking about their aspirations
just saw hunger games and woah, when did all that stuff happen? so messed up dude
By the time he entered rehab, Popeye was more spinach than sailor man.