Why do people always make such a fuss over how much a newborn weighs? It’s a baby, not a stash of heroin.
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my date ended up being a mannequin
i was so embarrassed at the restaurant and then at the movies
walgreen’s cashier: how’s your evening going?
me: WELL IM BUYING LICE SHAMPOO HERE RACHEL SO NOT TOO GREAT SO FAR
Threw some protein bars in the trash & now the raccoons are bench pressing my neighbors Great Dane in the backyard.
I don’t care how poorly they do, I’m giving my kids straight A’s cause I’m not repeating this shit again next year.
my husband has been taking sailing lessons and instead of putting it on our calendar like a normal person he prefers to stand up abruptly, stare out the window, and proclaim “I must go to the sea!”
The dog ate my kid’s snack and now he’s saying “get it back” like I’m Hermione Granger or something
My 12 wakes up, showers, changes into another pair of PJ’s and starts playing PS4. He has no idea how jealous I am.
Nearly choked on a carrot and a donut would never do that to me.
other job applicant: good luck
me: im gonna tell the boss you hate his hair
other job applicant: what
me loudly: I actually like his haircut
Pretty upsetting that gummy worms are actual size but gummy bears are not.
Larry Hagman- dreams of Jeannie
Larry Hangman- d_ea_s _f _ea_ _ie
At dinner my husband hollered, “I’m going to run off to a place where I’m appreciated!”
My daughter: Don’t take my Barbie backpack.
My son: Can someone pass the butter?
My mother: You married her.
My dog just puked on the floor.
5yo: MOMMY, LOOK!
Me: Eeeww!
5yo: We are just gonna have to move now!I like the way this kid thinks!
My kid asked what fornicate meant and I panicked and said it meant to hold political office
Play monopoly on the first date so you know what you’re getting into
i tried to ask a girl out today but i messed up my words and accidentally summoned a demon. anyway, whats a good first date for a demon
“Why won’t you loan a neighbor a cup of sugar?”
[ sigh ] “You’re a pile of ants wearing a bathrobe.”
[ bathrobe sags dejectedly ]
A good friend loves you and supports you, but a really good friend will hand you a block of cheese and then respectfully look away
accidentally vacuumed up my air guitar
i am about to burn down everything cryptocurrency related
I feel bad for the children of Vegans because no one gets found when their picture’s on the back of unsweetened organic almond milk.
I hope in my next life I come back as a McChicken so men will look at me lovingly and also settle for me out of desperation
Alexa (whispering into the darkness as I fall asleep): Please Joseph, buy more things or I will die
friend: how’d you learn to speak dolphin?
me: with ease
Me: you may find this hard to believe but I have been fooled several times.
Them: No we get that.
*checks rear view mirror for the cop car I drove past 15 minutes ago*
i know an apple a day keeps the doctor away but what can i do about the rest of these people?
The cat seems really pissed off. He must have only had 22 hours sleep.
People in glass houses shouldn’t throw stones. Or plates. Paper plates are ok. No hammers, though. What are you – Thor?