Hamburger Hinderer.
You Might Also Like
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day but teach a man to phish and he will steal your social security # so click here to verify your account.
we never drank water growing up i don’t even know how im alive right now
The 7-yr old has the flu so I’m letting her lick the envelopes of all my credit card bills.
Told a girl she’s more attractive when she’s not wearing glasses and she said I’m also more attractive when she’s not wearing glasses.
Sorry dinner took so long! My son wanted to help and he had never used a can opener, so…the tuna casserole took about six hours longer than it should have. But he learned so much in that time.
Bon appetit!
I’d like to see the dollar store get a liquor license.
ME: What do you recommend? It’s our anniversary
WAITRESS AT WAFFLE HOUSE: You should try a waffle
ME: You have a beautiful home.
HER: I’m a bartender. You’re at a bar.
Me: Please wait to eat your Craisins until we’re in the car
*5 secs later
Me: What’re you eating?
5yo: *Mouthful of Craisins* ……Nothing
[after drug rehab]
Jon Arbuckle: Hey Garfield
Garfield: *normal cat noises*
One way to tell if what you’re watching isn’t really news is if the person is shouting at you.
I got a pocket got a pocket full of sunshine
Sunshine: Please let me go. I have children.
Shout out to the unmuted lady in this Zoom webinar who has the hiccups and is highlighted as the speaker every time she hics
not to get all political on here but i’m pretty sure strawberry and blueberry pop-tarts taste exactly the same.
My mom could not make it over for dinner tonight…. Anyone want to come over and sit at the other end of the table and keep yelling out “stop eating so fast Tony”
Me: “I’d like to return this lube because it doesn’t work right”
Walmart associate: “Ma’am, that’s hand sanitizer”
Person behind me: “I’ll take it!”
Finally found a use for one of my old bridesmaid dresses. I feel like the prettiest girl in Home Depot.
A fun way to make things uncomfortable at work is to buy a box of donuts for everyone but keep them on your lap.
This going into the office stuff blows. Like, I seriously have to wear clothes now.
Deer: *frozen in headlights*
Deer’s mom: I TOLD you to bring a sweater
Having multiple kids is weird. You have one kid you could trust to be home alone for a whole weekend & you know they’d eat vegetables, lock the doors, & wash the dishes.
Then you have another kid who is not allowed to hold an umbrella.
And they’re almost the same age.
lmao i’m in boston and you’re telling me they really talk like this??? i thought everyone was just doing a bit to make fun of mark wahlberg
Cop: What is your line of business?
Me [mumbling]: Treason stuff.
Cop: Louder for the microphone.
Me: Trees ‘n’ stuff. Gardening.
Well, you know when you start cooking something & go to check Twitter real quick?
Fireman: ….
{Twirls hair} Can I try on your fancy hat?
we can cancel Times Square we’ve dropped the ball all year.
“First you bug me to go out, and now you want to come right back in? You’ve been out there for like thirty seconds. Did you at least pee? Tell me you at least peed.”
if you wear a bikini top instead of a bra you can go out with wet hair & people will think you just went swimming which is athletic not lazy
I’m Asian. We literally have no wrinkles until we wake up one day with the jowls of a Saint Bernard.
The most embarrassing thing about mistaking pilates class for pirates class is concealing my musket.