The problem with this world is that they just let anyone in.
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A shocking amount of parenthood is knowing which kid you’ll need to keep out of jail.
BOSS: Why aren’t these documents attached together?
ME: Sorry I couldn’t find my…[suddenly forgets the word stapler]…desk crocodile
DISCIPLES: Why did it take you 3 days to come back from the dead?
JESUS: [remembering all the times he hit snooze] All the praying and stuff.
I could totally be a squirrel matador. Possibly.
Chuck Norris once broke a mirror over the head of a black cat while standing under a ladder on Friday 13th.The next day he won the lottery
Sorry, but your password must contain an uppercase letter, a number, a haiku, a gang sign, a hieroglyph, and the blood of a virgin.
*pushes math homework away in 1990*
I’ll never need this
*getting yelled at by subway customer in 2014*
I WANT THE BREAD CUT LIKE A RHOMBUS
I wish I gave Darth Vader different last words.
Before he died, I wanted him to mutter, “I should have stuck to pod racing.”
If Titanic happened now Rose would ask Jack to film her like one of his onlyfans girls
GOD: *holds up dinosaur* what do we call this thing
AARON: aardvark
GOD: no you’re fired
LLOYD: llama
GOD: fired
PTOBY: hang on, I got this
Put some whiskey in my coffee because it’s Ireland somewhere.
*a snake wearing one skinny jean*
Prom Date: [coming down stairs in dress] How do I look?
Me, super woke cool guy: You look empowered & worthy of equal salary compensation
Sarah Palin’s new Christmas book is her attempt at valuing the sanctity Christmas so she can sell books and make money just like baby Jesus.
Son: Dad, how do you satisfy a lady?
Dad: First you rub her all over
Son: Makes sense
Dad: Then you wait 24 hours
Son: huh?
Dad: I make my own sauce
Son: this is just your bbq technique
Dad: Slow and low, that’s the secret
Imagine being hungry and some guy tries to teach you to fish.
Computer: shutting down
Me: same
“Open the pod bay doors, Hal.”
“I’m sorry, Dave. I’m afraid I can’t do that.”
“What’s the problem?”
“l think you know what the problem is just as well as l do.”
“Squirrels in the plasma propulsion system?”
“Again.”
“Dammit.”
You might hate the last couple of years but no one hates it more than people named Alexa
Me: Sex?
Wife: Sure.
Me: Really? Just like that?
Wife: Yep.
Me: …never mind.
I don’t know what she’s up to, but I don’t like it.
I don’t trust anyone who can pick “one favourite” anything.
Screw you, you decisive jerk.
Me: Hi, what’s a good school binder for my 10yo girl here?
Clerk: Trapper Keeper?
Me: Haha, no, she’s my own daughter.
*my casket slowly begins lowering into the ground*
me, knocking from inside: “Wait, I have to pee.”
I’m really happy because my pill bottle says, Do not iron while taking this medication.
My wife asked me about the Oxford comma and now she wants me to go back to my usual brooding silence.
Him: *seeing my apartment for the first time* I see you’re kind of a minimalist
Me: yes that is correct, I am very poor
Jumped off the couch so fast when the microwave dinged that I’m now eligible for the draft.
Being a “Hopeless Romantic” sounds kinda depressing. “Pull my chair out for me?” .. “I’d love to, but I’ve given up.”
These aliens are smart. They only appear to people who don’t know how to operate a camera.
I want to walk down the street with my friends and be feared and not have people assume we’re probably on our way to a buffet.