I just watered a few plants so I’m ready to open a landscaping business.
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Turns out my cat has been saying “meow” not “mayo”.
Anyone need eight gallons of Hellman’s?
Someday, scientists will capture the energy of eye rolls to produce electricity, and the world will be a cleaner, more sarcastic place.
My neck, my back, my…
Always look both ways before crossing a woman.
Mama Bear: The porridge is ready
Papa Bear: Perfect let’s leave for a couple of hours
Just found a pot of houmous by the side of the road
Become a parent, so you can be accused of “using up all the internet” when Fortnite glitches for a millisecond.
Shut up & eat. There are people starving in Abercrombie & Fitch.
age 1: goo googa
age 2: im a babada da
age 3: thank god i can finally speak. listen, i’ve been observing u for 3 years now. what are u doing
When I was little I would sit with my grampy and we would look out the window together. He would give me sips of his beer and sugar cubes.
Related: I’m now an alcoholic race horse.
*picks up frog*
*kisses it*
Frog: you know I’m poisonous, right?
Me: oh thank god.
Kid comedians are all like “any of y’all ever had parents? Shew God, let me tell y’all about parents”
It’s not really ‘fast food’ if fat people can catch it.
Ugh. My bed is infested with children.
The cable company told me they would send a guy out and I need to be home between the hours of 1pm and 2014.
When someone asks “You know what I think?”, I say “Yes I do”. End of discussion.
I think I found a perfect place for Spongebob.
shampoo commercial: do you want more volume in your hair?
Medusa: absolutely not
That feeling when you take the first bite of your favourite food, that’s called chewphoria.
I try not to snack at night, but the cheese in my fridge haunts me. What if I die in my sleep and NO ONE EATS IT?
12: This apple tastes funny.
Me: That’s because it’s a peach.
Also me: Starts spending 12’s college fund.
Found an old, dead mosquito in a storage box. You guys want to try and make a Jurassic Park?
Used to be, bugs knew their place. Spring, summer, fall, but they gave us winter. Today’s bugs are not honorable.
Our family has a tradition of opening presents on live video so the kids can be disappointed in real time.
“rejection is god’s protection” ok but from what? Happiness?!?
People often name their kids after their favourite movie characters. I don’t know why my daughter Chewbacca is so upset with me.
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Beauty and the Beast (1991): A woman develops Stockholm Syndrome, emotionally bonding with her captor at castle furnished with singing decor
I was sad until I automatically connected to the local McDonald’s WiFi, then I was ~extra~ sad.
cashier: alright, you have a good day now!
me (offended, grabbing my 2 40s & box of donuts): I’ll do nothing of the sort