And on the eighth day, God let the dogs out. And there was much confusion among the Baha Men.
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If something rolls off of my plate… I eat it first, as punishment for trying to run away.
the 1000 IQ baby who kills itself at 1 year old
nurse: *hands me a urine specimen cup* the bathroom’s over there
[later]
nurse: it’s empty
me: i didn’t need it, there was a toilet
My special superpower is seeing patterns. Grandma thinks it’s a bullshit superpower, her knitting room is full of them
How many tamagotchi funerals do you have to attend before you realize you may never be a grandparent 🤷🏻♀️
Not sure what’s more bizarre…me sitting on the porch at 2am having a candy cigarette…or that my neighbor just waved at me while watering his lawn.
[meets a cute girl from Scotland]
“Ummm hi your people make fantastic tape”
It’s a bird, it’s a plane, it’s a chick that’s gone insane
Sometimes my southern accent sneaks out. Like just today I meant to say “You all” and instead I had sex with my cousin.
“1 down, 98 to go!”- Jay-Z after cleaning the gutters
Me: “I’m so lonely.”
Microscopic organism: “Wow, I’m right here.”
At least he tried.. twice.. 😅
I bet you’ll watch the cell phone camera footage of this concert for years & remember the fun you had holding up a cell phone at a concert.
My wife is hilarious
We’ve been trying to get ahold of our sons daycare corporate for 4 months and they literally do not answer phones or email
She applied for a job and when they contacted her for an interview she asked to be transferred to the person we needed to talk to
Just so we’re all clear since there’s a lot of disagreement about birth years:
Boomer = Anyone older than you that you don’t like
Millennial = Anyone younger than you that you don’t like
Gen Z = Anyone younger than you that you don’t like and don’t understand
I attempted a smoky eye for a Zoom pitch, but instead it looks like I survived a bar fight so I’m going with that story.
My Ex Sarah ghosted me. Some experts call this phenomenon, Sarah-normal activity
Running away doesn’t help you with your problems. Unless you’re fat.
prisoner: [wakes up half drunk] where am i
sheriff: bad news pal you’re in jail
prisoner: i can see that but where
sheriff: mississippi
prisoner: ok now that is bad news
GOD: I call them Water Buffalo
ANGEL: But they live on land
GOD: Yep
ANGEL:
GOD:
ANGEL: u really dont care anymore do u
GOD: Not a bit
god: stop doing bad stuff
me: hear me out, what if i keep doing it but i feel bad after
god: that’s not the same
me: sorry ur breaking up
This is now a ‘I have washed my hands’ emoji 🙌
If you want me to save a horse and ride a cowboy, you better spare a tree and eat a beaver.
*slams gavel*
‘Your honor, she said she didn’t want fries’
and?
‘when the waiter brought mine, she ate from my plate’
*courtroom gasps*
Netflix needs to stop asking if I’m still watching and start asking if I moved the laundry to the dryer yet.
Every single employee in this hotel has said good morning to me. I’m never staying here again.
First date:
Me: Is this it? Are we HAVING THE SEX?!?
Him: that’s a breadstick
I don’t remember daylight savings having this much of an effect on me. Last night I went to bed at 9:30 and this morning I woke up standing in my neighbour’s backyard dressed as a scarecrow.
FDA has lowered the buying age for Plan B to 15. If you’re younger than that, you’re not responsible enough so shut up and have your baby.
Going to keep letting animals bite me until I get super powers.