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The number of times you can use the word moist while ordering pizza before they refuse to send the delivery guy to your house
The only difference between you and Harry Potter is that his magic wand actually works OOOOHHH BURRRRN
My 5yo asked me where his shoes were and when I told him I didn’t know he told me “that’s not a good enough answer daddy” so where is he keeping all that audacity?
wife: do you need help in there?
me: Kristin please. i just need the pin number for the microwave
Somewhere, some Nigerian lawyer is wondering why you’re not sending him the personal information that he needs to give you your inheritance
Scurrying around in your socks, holding your beltless trousers up: airport security is like a weird, brief slumber party in the middle of the day with a bunch of strangers.
My wife: Don’t kiss me, your stubble hurts my face.
Also my wife: [has three facial exfoliants that contain sand, walnut shells and bamboo]
My kitchen drawer was stuck but my husband got it open. I guess all it needed was a big jerk.
When anyone says they’ve embarrassed themselves enough for one day, I smile, nod and think ‘that kind of limit sounds nice’
This isn’t a bathroom. Go outside if you have to do that. GET THAT OUT OF YOUR MOUTH. Help me help you.
-talking to drunks & puppies
36 – 24 – 36 – 24 – 36 – 24 – 36 – 24 – 36? Haha. Only if she’s a giant caterpillar.
I only hug people to practice in case I need a human shield.
This is what every Twitter trending topic looks like to me now
Peacock: *spreads feathers at me*
Husband: It’s trying to attract you as a mate
Me: *shyly lifts top*
Husband: no
Apparently I’m only fluent in English until it comes time to leave a voicemail
Such a stupid sign! Babies can’t read
My yoga teacher was sent to prison for fraud.
He did a 3 year stretch.
I identify as an antique shop.
NINE MONTHS LATER, A FIRE TRUCK WAS BORN
So is this super moon just, like, our mild-mannered regular moon that took off its glasses?
everyone: recovering from the holidays is rough, i could sure use a few more bucks
february: no
[phone rings]
CREEPY VOICE: i know what you did last summer
ME: ?!?
CREEPY VOICE: same thing we all did, try to not get covid
Just stopped myself from thinking about this group of crows I saw last night when I realized that I was contemplating a murder.
Airport security: no liquids on the plane
Me: ok *starts drinking it*
Airport security: people usually just throw away the shampoo
My therapist told me to set a boundary with my family so I built an electric fence around my house. This therapy stuff is really working!
If you’re a grown man walkin around with a winter hat that has animal ears I can tell that @ some point people used 2 take your lunch money
Human: what’s up with all the anal probes?
Alien: [shrugs] seems like most of your species keeps their head up there.
what other people think of me is none of my business. unless it’s bad, then i need to know everything
if you want to know how much i love freedom i don’t have an oven we just shoot our food with guns until it is warm enough to eat
I hear the Pink Panther song when I sneak down the hall for a midnight snack..