The wind is about to blow me to Oz, so if you see me flying past your window.. mind your business.
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My doctor had to reschedule our appointment today and I’m not upset but I do feel like I should get a free prescription of my choice
It’s normal for married couples to fight. The trick is for you and your spouse to find a couple you can easily beat up.
[to the tune of little drummer boy]
baaaaby shaaark, doo
doo doo doo doo doo
Interviewer: tell me about your leadership skills
Me: YOU tell ME about my leadership skills
Interviewer: holy shit, you’re hired
Me: I’m sorry, we have to let you go
Interviewer: dammit
My kids just took a DNA test…turns out they’re 100% not listening.
Sorry I’m late, I’ve been taking an elastic band out of my hair for the last three days.
Fastest way to occupy bored kids is to announce we are going to clean
Voila
Suddenly they all remember plans they’ve forgotten
Ah quiet
well, Sam. It’s been a helluva day. A helluva day! Hit me, again.
[emerges from time machine back in present day]
I did it. I got Hitler rejected from art school, saving German art from years of mediocrity
NEIGHBOR: What’s up?
ME {stacking crates}: I’ve enough donuts to last a month
NEIGHBOR: So all ready for the hurricane?
ME: The what now?
to the spirits in my walls: going to the store be right back.
Yes, Neil, everything sounds better when you have a great voice. That’s how sound works.
My Kid: (seeing Wife with a plate of fries) Mommy, can I have some of your fries?
Wife: No. (Points at me who is also having fries) Go ask Daddy
My Kid: Daddy, can I have some of Mommy’s fries
My Brain: Don’t high five your kid right now. Don’t high five your kid right now…
Was getting into my electric car and a dude was like “I’ve heard those are worse than normal cars for the environment.”
“Oh yeah, way worse. That’s why I got it.”Just agree with people. They have nowhere to go.
YouTuber: Yo what’s up it’s your boy
Me: *astonished whisper* Son?
(seeing your lamp) you have a pet sun! (touching it, it burns) and i see it’s not trained very well 😐
Her: I love pizza
Me: *trying to impress* they actually called me pizza face in middle school
Where do cicadas go when they’re not screaming? I’d like to go there and scream.
I let my son go to bed last night with his Nintendo Switch and he called me a good dad. This parenting shit is easy!
I like how all these people are acting like they’ve never seen a naked 37 year old man fight 3 security guards at a mall food court before.
Cop: Ma’am, I pulled you over today because you were going 45 in a 35 mile zone.
Me: I’ve been driving 45 on this road for ten years and I’ve never gotten a ticket.
(Silence) You’re going to give me a ticket, aren’t you?
Cop: I kinda think I have to now.
If I wanted to drive my wife insane, I’d secretly raise a colony of bees & place one new bee inside of her car each morning for ten years.
Days without shaking my head disapprovingly at myself: 0
Me: Speak. C’mon, boy, speak.
Dog: No, I’m mad at you.
When one door closes another door opens, pretty sure my house is haunted, I sleep on the porch
6-year-old: When I grow up, do I have to get a job?
Me: Only if you want food and shelter.
6: *carefully considers her options*
my allegiance to alligators is based on a gut feeling. you see, the crocodile deliberately looks like he wants me dead, and as soon as possible. the alligator appears to give less of a shit, generally. so i’m like, sure, that’s something we can deal with. that’s a starting point
a fate I wish upon no one
The five second rule for food dropped on the floor means something else when you have a dog.