Remember, Kids… If you can’t say anything nice, well, it’s probably hilarious and worth getting into trouble over anyway.
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Please, person who just said “libary”, tell me more about what an avid reader you are.
As a dad to two toddlers the majority of my diet is various berries I find on the ground. I’m basically a deer.
“You are what you eat” I chant furiously, shoving another roach in my mouth. Mushroom clouds keep growing in the distance
[2 dogs eating dinner]
“u know Sharon, that life insurance policy u found me is great”
[stops chewing]
“why does this taste like chocolate”
Not everyone was dancing in the moonlight. Some of us were trying to sleep.
FURNITURE MAKER WHO SECRETLY HATES HIS WIFE: Honey I created a new type of cabinet. I’m gonna name it after you
SUSAN: Aw baby that’s sweet
“Nice to meet you. What’s your real name? Want to see my dick?” – Every Kik convo, ever
hi, grandma? can u come pick me up from my rap battle? it’s over. no, i lost. he saw u drop me off & did a pretty devastating rhyme about it
tamagotchi my fitbit
owners
🤝
trying to keep a weird
little guy alive
I heard a mouse yesterday. So now I loudly announce myself whenever I enter a dark room. In case you’re wondering how brave I am
I broke up with a woman once, she was beautiful but dumb, I kicked her to the curb because she couldn’t tell the difference between my bedroom door and the neighbor’s bedroom door.
What do you call a priest that graduated from law school
Father in Law
Golf would be better with landmines.
Mom: What are you planning to make for Thanksgiving?
Me: A scene.
911: 911
me: I think my smoke detector is broken
911: is there smoke?
me: how would I know?
911:
me: 911 how would I know?
Dentist: *gives me numbing shot before my 7th root canal* I’ll be back with-
Me: Yes, I know…the drill.
“I’m so sorry about your grandma passing away. If there’s anything I can do, just name it.”
“How are your resurrecting skills?”
Sorry I dressed up like Captain Caveman when you asked me if I wanted to go clubbing.
Everyone thought you could get a writing job from twitter but that never happens anymore its only for things like becoming the president
If a burglar broke in, my dog would lick their face. But bubbles, on the other hand…
Men: “once you get married you never get any sex”.
[wife walks around the house completely naked]
Every man: *continues to be completely hypnotized by whatever sports game is on*
You: What happened to your hand?
Me: I lost my engagement ring so I cut off my finger so my husband wouldn’t notice.
[sneezes and shoots my tampon out so hard it sets off another false missle alarm in Hawaii]
Hey, does anyone know how to stop eating chips?
Guys who try to pick up women on Twitter are a bit sad…
Ladies, if you agree, DM me your number so we can talk about it…
I’m terrible with names…
…just ask my daughter Barry
Some people like to stir the pot…
…I prefer to smoke it.
What did the bra say to the hat? “You go on a head, I’ll give these two a lift.” (I’m back to silly jokes. Probably for the best.)
movie idea: Dracula, but he’s allergic to blood, so he gets diarrhea a lot (movie loosely based on my relationship with dairy)
I cannot afford to get my wife a new Lexus for Christmas so I’ll be tying a red ribbon on a pair of Sketchers and setting them in the driveway.