That time I tried to clap while doing a push-up and almost died.
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My whole life feels like that feeling you get when you take a multiple choice test and the answer you got isn’t one of the choices listed
[throws salad into a garden]
Go home boy…you’re free now.
I have about 5 different personalities and not one of them can find my car keys.
Army boss: ENEMIES INCOMING AT 12 O’CLOCK
Me: stop shouting, that’s over an hour from now
Fortunately, I’m just tall enough to see out of these 2 holes in my face
Hey, remember that person you thought you couldn’t live without? Well look at you, living and shit.
My spirit animal is fried chicken
Adorable idea. Colleagues have been writing names on their food in the office fridge. I am currently eating a yoghurt called Debbie
Why is fried chicken the only food we can buy by the bucket?
She : Drink responsibly..!
Me : Responsibilities are the reason why I drink.
I haven’t used algebra in 3x-q years
me: awhinersayswhat?
daughter: what?
*my wife and I high five*
The human body is a vehicle transporting food from the refrigerator to the toilet.
Kid: MOM WHERE ARE YOU
M: upstairs
K: WHERE?
M: upstairs
K: UPSTAIRS?
M: yes
K: UPSTAIRS OF THIS HOUSE?
M: what the? yes
K: ARE YOU UPSTAIRS
genie: you have three wishes
me: make firemen ugly
genie: you got it
me: instead of sliding down a pole make them climb out of a well
genie: ok
me: take the big ladder off their truck
genie: dude what’s your problem
if i saw a ufo i would simply identify it. not that big of a deal
If I’m your lawyer, we’re in jail
*runs away from it all*
*runs back*
*grabs phone charger*
*runs away from it all again*
I can’t wait until Twitter gives you the option to block yourself. I say some real dumb shit on here and I shouldn’t have to deal with it.
While everyone is out watching the eclipse, I’m going to launch my career as a burglar.
I wish they had an app that allows you to delete your number from other ppl’s phones.
ME:WHY ARE YOU LEAVING ME? EVERYBODY LEAVES ME!
UBER DRIVER:This is where you wanted to be dropped off, right?
ME:*wiping away a tear* Yes.
I’m the dog whisperer. I’ll whisper the word “dog” 20.. hell, 30 times if the price is right
I wonder if Medusa’s husband felt like he was being taken for granite.
Date – “I must admit, this is a really nice restaurant”
Me – 😎
…
Date – “why did you say sunglasses emoji?”
1st child: you encourage creativity
2nd child: you encourage independent play
3rd child: you stifle all imagination to avoid a mess.
When someone says “No Biggie”, I reply with “not since ‘97” and immediately break down crying
My advice for new parents is that when you feed your child their first chicken nugget to go ahead and start preparing your answer to the question “is this chicken like the animal chicken?” cause that moment is coming.
Lame! I was tricked into watching PS, I Love You! It’s definitely NOT about a guy that marries his PlayStation.
My son turned 8 yesterday. I’m killin’ it at this parenting thing.