“Doctor: Put the IV in.
Nurse: The 4 what?”
– chronic problem in Roman emergency rooms
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If I were Cinderella, I wouldn’t have settled for a guy who couldn’t even remember what my face looked like.
“if anyone asks, i’ve been here the whole time”
Thank God you’ve updated your status to “Finished lunch” after you first posted “Going to lunch” I really couldn’t tolerate more suspense.
“I’m quite content on this side of the street, thank you.”
— No squirrel ever.
This gingerbread house isn’t even close to fire safety codes get it together people.
“Do you smoke the devil’s lettuce?”
Mom, why the h*ck would I smoke coleslaw
friend got a quirky ouija board rug for her house and now i mainly hang out there waiting for the roomba to summon demons and shit.
Why does it jump from 2% milk all the way to whole milk?
Maybe I just want 47% milk…
why aren’t GMOs called faking an organism
Half of answering the landline as a kid was yelling “Mom! It’s for you!”
Trebek: This Disney movie starred Elsa & Anna.
Me: Frozen.
Trebek: In the form of a question please.
Me: Do you wanna build a snowman, Alex?
Football player: please God, let my team win
God: ok sure, that’s simple enough
Football player on other team: God please let my team win
God: oh no
I asked my kid to sweep the floor and she said “Okay, but only if I can mop too”, so now I need to figure out whose baby I accidentally took home from the hospital
Justin Bieber breaks up with Selena Gomez… the same week Black Ops 2 comes out? Good call Justin.
A really cute girl started working out next to me at the gym so i switched to super heavy weights to impress her someone please call an ambulance
*falls down several flights of stairs, breaking multiple bones*
ME: *into headset mic* I’m in
Unexplainable things:
1) Stonehenge
2) ESP
3) How my car insurance company can magically lower my renewal cost when I threaten to leave them
The other day I opened the center console in my wife’s vehicle and chap sticks sprang out of there like snakes in a can.
All of your holes are looking great
– Croctologists
Me: cute infant you have there
Mary: thanks
Me: so tender and mild
Mary: …w-what
Why are the states most in need of abortion so against it?
therapist: whats the problem?
me: i keep having a reoccurring dream where there are five of me and we’re all yellow.
therapist: sounds like you’re bananas
I dont’t want to die a virgin because that means I’ll have to have sex with terrorists.
PLEASE stop giving your dogs HUMAN FOOD they are bragging to MY DOG and she is UPSET
Received dm of the day
No, I don’t want to experience a “typhoon” on your waterbed.
Dads out on the dance floor just respecting the heck out of the fine craftsmanship of the wood and stain.
Today we break bread and give thanks. Tomorrow I will throat-punch you at Wal Mart.
Don’t say you want a girl who’s “funny and spontaneous” if you’re gonna panic when I knock on your window late at night, dressed as a clown.
Noah’s Ark was so unrealistic. Have you ever tried to pen up velociraptors? Did the guy who wrote the Bible even watch Jurassic Park first?