Scar: Long live the king!
*lets Mufasa fall*
Simba: No!
Mufasa: *while falling* Simba, this is totally your fault for being the woooooorst–
You Might Also Like
*wraps bacon in bacon wrapped bacon*
I got 3 looks. And that’s it. I got a teacher look, a mom look, and a raccoon that got into the dumpster behind Chipotle and passed out after eating too much look.
All of my passwords are the names of various “Friends” characters. Except for Ross. I’ve never used Ross. Not after what he did to Rachel.
If I reject your call the first two times, ring me again. I’m really just testing your resolve.
People often wonder if Tom and Jerry were enemies offscreen, as well. According to Tom, “sort of.”
OK, if you get to refer to your favorite football team as “we,” then I definitely get to refer to the cast of Friends as “we.”
S M O L
Movie theater: Please silence your phones.
Me, who hasn’t taken my phone off silent since 2012: *double-checks*
Why don’t they just call pot head janitors ‘ High maintenance ‘ ?
5 asked me to come to her hairdressing salon, put some accessories in my hair then looked at me and said “well your hair looks good now but I don’t know what we can do with your face”. Worst hairdresser I’ve been to, do not recommend
Looking for someone to come help pack 17’s boxes for college. Must be able to handle crying. Bring tissues. No weirdos, please. I’m weird enough.
“What should we call ourselves?”
How about 22 pilots?
“Idk. Seems like an awful lot of pilots”
21 pilots?
“Omg”
Parent pro tip: Beware of the child who cleans their room without being prompted. They are about to ask to borrow money.
Why are personal grooming products such popular holiday gifts? How gross is everyone the rest of the time?
Lasers were once the biggest scientific breakthrough in history, but now we use them to play with cats.
Me: If Obi-Wan’s clothes remained after Vader killed him, then why wasn’t ghost Obi-Wan naked?
My date: [to waiter] Check, please.
“The floor is larva.”
– Indiana Jones, entering the Temple of Doom
The date was going really well until he told me to stop calling it Pasghetti.
Mother Paper Bag: We need to talk.
Teen Bag: *removes earbud* What?
M: Your father was plastic.
T: But –
M: It’s true. You’re a mixed bag.
*reading law book* oh no I think I’m in a common law marriage with Taco Bell
As you get older you’re supposed to find younger generations kind of scary, but how the fuck am I supposed to be intimidated by anyone who says “seggs” instead of sex.
Inside you there are two Durans. Both are hungry like the wolf.
Most people don’t know this, but “Piano Man” by Billy Joel is about a man bitten by a radioactive piano.
[The Rapture]
Me: *trapped on the ceiling like a balloon*
when ur hate is strong but your bladder’s weak
I’m walking around the hotel this morning with a briefcase handcuffed to my wrist.
It’s a great way to meet chicks.
We took family pictures with an actual photographer today. No one argued, no one yelled, no one whined, no one cried. Years from now we can look at these photos and say, “this is how we never were.”
The human body is 90% water, so we’re basically just cucumbers with anxiety.
my kid used my Netflix profile so now my “continue watching” thread is Murder, Murder, Cocomelon, Murder, Murder, Baking
Autocannibalism is self-serving.