[exchanging xmas gifts]
me: “if you dont open it you can never be disappointed can you?”
schrödinger: “i feel like i brought this on myself”
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Clark Kent: *absentmindedly takes off his glasses*
Lois Lane: oh my god are you … a plane?
therapist: and what motivation will we use ?
me: hate fueled spite ?
therapist: no
Me: *skips*
My body: HEY REMEMBER WE CAN’T DO THAT ANYMORE
I found a message in a bottle. It said:
“The girl at the end of the bar is a lot hotter than she was 2 hours ago.”
Welcome to marriage. You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say can be used against you in a court of in-laws
My husband ran 13 miles this morning for fun. I had cookies for breakfast. It’s nice to be the sane one for a change.
[Oreo meeting]
What about ‘sextuple stuffed’
“That’s just inappropriate Jeff you’re fired”
[later googling Sextuple]
“Omg that’s genius”
Witness protection program or abducted by aliens? I wanna get this breakup text just right
“The Sun is dying. We need help” the scientists are speechless. Cool Dad kicks in the door & removes his shades “It’s daylight savings time”
Me: Do you have any three tiered wedding cakes?
Baker: But of course! When do you need it by?
M: No, I’ll just eat it here.
I’d like you to meet my family, my wife Sharon, my son Carl, and this balloon that follows me around
Why don’t you sing about it?
– Walt Disney as a therapist
Me: It’s America’s birthday!
Kid: Like Brave?
Me: Yes! Home of the brave. So smart!
Kid: I like her orange hair.
Me: …ok let’s start over.
When someone yells “Fire!” at my house, I’ll be the first to leap from the toilet and fall flat on my face because my legs fell asleep
Mum, that’s not a picture of Jesus
establish dominance over your significant other by addressing birthday and valentine’s day cards as ‘to whom it may concern’
You know when you do Secret Santa and you give the person a gift card, glove and scarf set in handmade gift bag you sewed yourself and you get a stained coffee mug with Halloween candy in it?
That.
A lot of guys hate it when I put both my hands on their shoulders and ask if everything is all right.
The guy at the urinal next to me seems particularly upset.
Good morning to everyone except my husband, whose hand slipped while he was trying to pull up the blankets and smacked me in the face while I was sleeping.
when you google “how to get chocolate syrup” it autofills “out of carpet,” so at least I know I’m not alone
Anyone know how soon I should start roasting our Christmas turkey so I can be sure it will be nice and dry enough in time for the big day?
Bro this is the funniest shit I’ve seen in a minute 😭 the SpongeBob cast dubbed this star wars scene
I’m at my most athletic when I’m running up stadium stairs to buy another beer.
Sober or not if the police ask me to recite the alphabet backwards I’ll just put myself in the back seat of their car.
When you’re doing all you can just to get by in life.
[Ouija board]
“Hey spirits, talk to us”
W H A T S U R F R I E N D S N A M E H E S C U T E
“fml”
If a cop is arresting you, just play the national anthem, he’ll be forced to stand still for the whole thing while you get away
Excited for the return of Game of Thrones.
Not excited for the return of the phrase, “If you’d read the books, you’d know that…”
EXPLORER 1: *looking at ancient symbols in pyramid* It says “Here lies updog”
EXPLORER 2: What’s updog?
EGYPTIAN SPIRITS: Lol
me: can I get uhhhh… what’s in a combo number 5?
Lou Bega: *deep breath*