not interested in dating apps, not interested in talking to random people in coffee shops/bars/shops… need my soulmate to find me through intuition and echo location rn immediately
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Deleted all the hot people I want to do sex with. So if you’re seeing this… you’re ugly… nobody wants you. I’m sorry you had to find out this way.
there should be an opposite of valentine’s day where you post instagram photos of your enemy
*reading the nutrition facts of a cookie*
me: so I’ll need to eat at least 83 of these to get 100% of my daily protein
I joined a poker tournament with a bunch of people who do origami. I’m gonna dominate, cause these guys always fold.
[chameleon tries on pants in a dressing room]
Salesgirl outside the door: How do you look?
Chameleon looking in mirror: I have no idea
Orion’s belt? Waist of space!
No, Autocorrect ….
the lovely bride was not wearing
a SATAN trimmed lace ensemble –though she can be devilish at times.
The guy I use for odd jobs around the house is amazing; in the last month alone he’s repaired a leaky roof, fixed a broken gate, retiled the bathroom and according to the wife it was him that somehow reversed my vasectomy, too!
“I saw mommy kissing santa claus” has the same number of syllables as “I saw someone die at Disney World.” Life’s funny like that.
Standing by the stove, eating scrambled eggs out of the frying pan with a spatula, but in a sexy way.
sorry boys, but I’ve already got my eyes on a guy who’s not interested
Elmo: Oscar, why are you a grouch?
Oscar: Growing up, my parents were-
*stabs Elmo with broken beer bottle*
CUZ I LIVE IN A TRASHCAN.
If you eat a whole taco before your family gets to the table they won’t know you started without them
Me: Don’t you think it’s weird and creepy that you’re 37 years old and still hang out at the high-school you went to?
Wife (who was homeschooled): Shut up. You’re not getting out of coming with me to visit my parents.
Remembering the year my son sent me a Mother’s Day card saying ‘you’re like a mother to me.’
Yard reviews
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Amazing milkshakes”⭐☆☆☆☆
“Too many boys”
I strongly condemn the ritual sacrifice of children to Satan.
It is morally wrong and, in my experience, completely ineffective.
[being dragged out of a Spice Girls concert] AND SPORTY ISN’T AN ACTUAL SPICE EITHER
Fortunately, I’m just tall enough to see out of these 2 holes in my face
I keep getting a message that “Twitter is having issues”
Good job guys…we drove twitter crazy!
*reads own tweet*
Haha, so relatable
how about no fine and just a warning for the first offense
I know it’s wrong to label people, but since I bought my label-maker it’s all I can think about.
*eats a crab apple*
*watches all crabs with medical degrees scatter*
I’m here to express deep thanks to the wet tissue I just found in the wash that helpfully crushed itself into a little ball instead of exploding like glitter over the surface of every wet garment
I’ve never considered myself a social butterfly. More like a social wasp. People run away a lot.
“Pecan” sounds like Yoda telling someone he is able to go to the bathroom.
When the cleaning lady say’s “Have a good night”, I try to time it so we say it in unison. Then I say our “You too” response in harmony.
“New Year, New Me” gets easier every year cause I keep setting the bar lower and lower