5: dad is sixty eighty?
me: wtf
5: is today tomorrow?
me: the hell?
5: Saturday Sunday Monday?
me: hey honey, 5 is broken.
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Me: it hit me completely out of the grey
Friend: *narrows eyes* you mean blue?
Me [secretly a dog in a trenchcoat]: …yes
A corn maze but inside you try to apply for unemployment.
I love how NASA can send a radio signal billions of light years away but my wifi is as sketchy as a tinder date.
Me: when is your birthday
Her: March 1st
Me: *walking around the room* when is your birthday?
BANK ROBBER: ok hands in the air. nobody move. slide to the left. slide to the right. take it back now y’all. one hop this time
fred flintstone was the first ever man to become a vitamin
[watching action movie]
*hero stealthily snaps guard’s neck*
me: damn, I bet that felt really good
i love driving becuase it combines my love of sitting with my love of being mad
A guy sat 6 feet across from me and tried to hit on me. I said, “what? I can’t hear you.” he goes, “Awww man!! Coronavirus be killing my game!!!” and left defeated.
“I got up at 4 am so I could bite my mom and eat a frog and pee on the floor right after I peed outside”
Hear me out: Spray-on wrapping paper.
How did the small bear lookalike creature got home when it’s scooter broke down?
Ewok’d the rest of the way.
#BearDay #RubbishJokes
fired
Rich ppl should ride ambulances to flex instead of limos or whatever. I got a limo for my senior prom big deal. I know like one person who’s ridden an ambulance and their children’s children are going to be in debt for it
I found something called bath bombs in the cabinet and honestly I had no idea we were even at war with the tub
I was thinking earlier that what I really need is someone who will ask me a few times a day if I’m hungry and if I am will just fix me food and make me eat it and then I realized I just invented moms
Just saw an eagle swoop down and pick up a baby bunny, so cute when animals are friends!
“It’s early and the sun is coming up. I wanted to wake you up and tell you that.”
-My 5yo writing himself out of the will
[last night]
*gets drunk*
*can’t remember if I fed the dog*
*ends up feeding her 5 times*[tonight]
*comes home*
dog *hands me a beer*
Walked into a spider web and did an hour of tai chi in five seconds.
This is about the time of year where my enthusiasm about shoveling snow turns into “it will probably melt on it’s own”
me: hey siri
siri: (long, deep sigh) what
Doctor: I’m afraid you’re dying
Me: And there’s no cure?
Doctor: Yes just cut out pizza and chocolate
Me: I can’t believe there’s no cure
Safe travels to all the parents heading out to buy the batteries they didn’t know they needed.
People are ruining the word Daddy, my kids are going to have to call me ‘homie’ or some shit.
I made a mistake. Then I ate that mistake and made more. I made so many mistakes that I had leftovers. Soon, a freezer full of mistakes. You’ve stopped making mistakes? Here, have some of mine. I’ve got plenty.
Best spot.. 😅
him: will you at least act normal when my folks get here
me: *flipping a pancake and reading it like a tarot card* bad news
While I usually love my son’s sense of humour, pretending to not know us as we went through airport security was not one of those times
I swear i’m surrounded by idiots… no one even understood me when i said “to all intense and porpoises.”