I’m all for legalizing pot, but for fucks sake oral sex is still illegal in 18 states. Let’s prioritize, people!
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“Dad this is better than Applebee’s”
Well if you need me I will be over here filling out my MasterChef application.
Day 218 of making fun of CrossFit.
If you’re not going to learn the language of the country you’re visiting, at least take interpretive dance lessons.
me: I want to buy some drugs
dealer: are you a cop
me: would I get a discount
the red hot silly peppers
COP: *looking at my license* new jersey?
ME: lol no it’s a cardigan
My 1-year-old refused to wear her shoes and carried them around instead.
She can barely walk and she’s already the drunk girl at the party.
When my wife picks a restaraunt that I don’t like, I just say “oh yeah, that’s where that really cute girl works”.
Problem solved.
just got an email from HR that there will be no winners for the quarterly employee appreciation award because everyone who was nominated in the last three months has quit
Depressed? Try changing your bedding. Cedar chips are for guinea pigs & may not be right for you
If an assassin ever wanted to kill me but make it look like an accident they could just wait until I was walking down the stairs with a plateful of nachos and throw me a pizza
*grabbing my own shoulders and shaking myself* PLEASE, for the love of god, just tell me what you want
I bet the first person to keep track of his age was a gigantic tool
“This is my 24th winter”
Shut up and help us kill this boar, Stuart
her: i saw a shark walking along the beach
me: *flicks cigarette* sharks don’t even have feet, jen
[Commercial for babies]
*100 year old woman trying to feed a brick a bottle of milk*
“There’s got to be a better way”
Want to know the real reason behind the egg shortage?
Henopause
Annnd, send tweet.
hear me out : pockets for your socks
[changes out of pajama pants with pockets to pajama pants without pockets]
Bedtime.
talking isn’t enough. i need the therapist to backhand me
me: SHARK
lifeguard: omg where
me: lol sorry, that’s my dog’s name
*dog appears and drags lifeguard into the ocean*
me: it’s- *over screams* IT’S BECAUSE HE EATS PEOPLE
Some mornings I just want to punch people in the face before they could even speak because I know they’ll definitely deserve it later in the day !!
Truth or dare should be renamed to “interrogation or humiliation”
GUY: *busts in bleeding* i owe money to some bad dudes you gotta help me
ME: *proudly reaches down and pulls the pennies out of my loafers* you’ve come to the right place
Bae: Come over
Me: Do you have food??
Bae: My parents aren’t home
Me: Are they coming back with food??
I got so excited about my new pill box that now Alexa won’t stop suggesting assisted living facilities.
There seems to be a direct correlation between how many rosaries you have hanging on your rearview and how shitty a driver you are.
My boss told me to have a good day. So I went home
Finally, an explanation.
If Die Hard isn’t a Christmas movie why do I spend the holidays hiding in the vents of my workplace?