I do the crane stance like in the Karate Kid movie each time I have to flush the toilet in a public restroom.
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There are two types of people, those who pronounce sixth sense “sicksense” and those who pause in the middle
One of my biggest fear is being chased by Usain Bolt during zombie apocalypse.
I’m not responsible for the things I say when you’re stupid.
Do people with insomnia know about Coldplay?
When you hug someone, think of all the poop you are just inches away from.
Me: OMG, what a great day!
Anxiety: Wait for it…
I started drinking more water and now all my workouts consist of walking back and forth to the bathroom.
My 4-year-old thinks the 5-second rule means she can eat anything off the floor if she waits 5-seconds first. That M&M was from last Easter.
Catching up on last night’s crime shows, don’t spoil it….. does someone die? No, don’t tell me.
My boyfriend doesn’t believe in putting his clothes away so I decided to stop believing in doing the dishes.
I exposed my kids to comedy in the womb. I was hoping it would get me a better delivery.
4: I’m hungry.
Me: Want some eggs?
4: No.
Me: Yogurt?
4: No.
Me: Frosted Flakes?
4: [excited] FROSTED…FLAKES??
Me: Would you like some?
4: No.
[Creating snakes]
God: Poison bite, no legsAngel: whoa, intense
God: And and and give em knives for tongues!
Angel: That seems excessive
God: *sigh* Fine, forks
My dog and I are not cleaning up after you, you sick cannibals
My phone autocorrects ‘sex’ into ‘pez’ in case you were wondering just how dead my pez life is.
captain: *drops anchor over side of boat*
me: great now who’s gonna do the news
Fun Fact:
The average 3-year-old boy can stick 11 kernels of corn up his nose before he needs a trip to the ER.
Some apples don’t fall far from the tree, BUT other apples catch a good roll and keep rolling…and rolling…and rolling..
For some people, the turkey’s the most important part of the holidays. For others? It’s the pumpkin pie. But me? I’ve always cared more about the people that I spend the holidays with- which is why I’ve gathered you all here today to help me summon grandpa from the great beyond.
If I get arrested & the cops give me one phone call I’m dialing Empire Carpets or Jenny because those are the only numbers I have memorized.
There is nothing sadder than waking and turning to see the love of your life’s face to find she has deflated in the night.
hi aliens, if you’re harvesting humans the best and juiciest ones have a lot of numbers in their bank accounts
[grocery store]
Cashier: hi thereCustomer: hello
Stray Package of Hot Dogs Discarded By The Snickers:
Hey look I’m candy bars lol
ADVERT: Have you been involved in an accident at work…
*looks up from hospital bed*
ADVERT: …that wasn’t your fault…
ME: Oh.
is there nothing we can trust anymore
Don’t cry because it’s over. Smile because your fingerprints aren’t in the database.
I wish you’d told me you were happy just flirting on twitter. I’ve already bought plane tickets and murdered my wife.
Had to try this trend 😊
“And why did you join our gym?”
▫️to stay healthy
▫️a friend recommended it
☑️I’ve seen myself naked
If I were rich, I’d have big soft monogrammed towels for when I bathe at the gas station.