Why do they write PIZZA all over the box???? what else could possibly be in there???
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I think LGBT sounds too much like a sandwich.
ME: *Opening my office Secret Santa gift and it’s a loaf of bread* Wooow, well, thank you, to WHOEVER this was from!
MY ONLY DUCK COWORKER: *Whispers excitedly* It was me. I was your Secret Santa.
My soon to be 13-year-old has been wearing my crocs… how do you say “stay in your lane” in Thirteenese?
“Don’t put all your eggs … in there”.
Wrestling is the only sport that gets more embarrassing when you become a professional.
It’s so hot that my thermostat says “Idris Elba”.
I want you to drag me to the bedroom, softly lay me down, & kiss my neck. Now go clean the house while I take a nap.
8YO: If daddy grows his beard, he’ll look like a wizard
6YO: No, he’ll definitely look like a panda
The struggle is real
I’m stressed right now so I’m watching a show about the mafia to help me relax.
Me: *watching Fargo* Hmmm everybody seems to mostly be traveling short distances
I plan on being Batman for Halloween.
And now that I’ve told you all this, I realize I’m actually one shitty Batman.
Sorry I’m late. I was standing in front of the cooler staring at names on Coca Cola bottles for 10 mins realizing how many people I dislike.
I threw a ball for my dog.
May be a little extravagant, but he looks great in a tux.
2: mommy, grammy goes to bed with grandpa
me: yeah, hey can we talk about something else?
[couples board game night]
“relax brent, it’s only monop-”
*fake smile* why don’t you tell everyone how you brush your teeth with hot water”
Son: Mom, set a 30-minute timer on your phone.
Me: Okay.
[30 minutes later]
Son: What keeps beeping??
Me: I have no idea
Its like grandma said,
You’re not crazy when you sleep
Ever notice how pathetically lonely you are when the person in the next bathroom stall completely ignores your knock knock joke?
Someone told me yesterday that my casual outfit made them feel overdressed at the office, so today I wore a ball gown and a sequined cape with glittery stilts and a feather headdress and asked if she felt more at home
Remember, you can become haunted by a ghost whenever you want. You’re an adult.
The older I get, the more I relate to those angry elderly people who go around biting others.
I’VE BEEN DIETING ALL WEEK!
I’M STARVING!
-Me, on a Tuesday
“So sorry” – Actually sorry
“Sorry about that” – Not really sorry
“Sorry you feel that way” – Not sorry at all
“Sorry, but…” – Apologise to me
If there were Doritos on the tree in the garden of Eden, they would not have had to wait for the snake. Adam and Eve would have eaten those things first day. They would have known all about good and evil.
*Dog puts cupcake on my nose and tells me to “stay”
Cookies from Best to Worst:
1. Chocolate chip
2. Girl Scout
3. Oreos
…
…
727. Browser
728. Tossed
729. Raisin
Oohh, you play bass, as in the guitar. I thought you played bass, like the fish. I would’ve paid to see that.