Me: I’m not watching that movie. It got 3 stars.
Also me: *watches the roomba chase down a dorito for 45 minutes*
You Might Also Like
Asking my boyfriend if he’d still love me if I was one of those weird aliens that drank coffee and babbled angrily at Men in Black passing by
I sent my wife a copy of a menu from a really fancy restaurant ahead of time….
….she’ll be so surprised when we pull up at this Applebee’s.
Watching Jaws with my 6 year old because I’m sick of going to the beach
Are you questioning my vocabulary skills, pal? Cause you are gonna get punched right in the plethora
hey we’re calling off the search party. we found a different guy out there we like more
I only shave on days when I’ll be having sex.
I live life as a yeti now.
😍😂🥰😂😍
Saw Les Misérables last night and today a coworker stole my sandwich. Suddenly 19 years in jail doesn’t seem excessive for stealing bread.
Me as a kid: when I’m an adult I’m gonna stay up all night and eat whatever I want
Me as an adult: If I don’t finish this glass of water and get to bed by 9 I will die
Him: why do you overthink EVERYTHING?
Me: you said pick a hobby I picked that one
i’d like to die of natural causes like being stabbed to death by the grand canyon
Please stop saying that a problem is a “real pickle.” Pickles are delicious, store well, and have zero calories. You are a problem. Pickles are fine.
Me: You’re telling me someone broke into the house and the only thing that was stolen was the ice cream?
Husband: (without breaking eye contact) Yes.
The doorbell rang this morning, and it took a few seconds to realize what that sound was.
I really loved the idea of moving and re-decorating until I realized one pillow is literally $25
Divorce is never funny. Unless it’s happening to your ex who got engaged six weeks after you broke up.
Please stop calling a picture of a grilled cheese sandwich “food porn”.
[doctor’s office]
Me: My eye hurts.
Doctor: Okay. But first let’s have you step up on this scale so we can see how fat you are.
“I am the way and the truth and the life and the muthafuckin’ shizznit.” (Snoop 4:20).
If life sucks, take a straw and you suck too
my wife and i went furniture shopping this weekend and one couch just shouted “take me home” at us, so we left because nobody needs a talking couch
When a cop pulls me over I lick my lips and say, “Can I show you something sexy to get out of this ticket?,” then I open my center console full of snacks.
I’m all for the scientific method.
Right now I’m experimenting to see how much swearing makes other parents stop inviting you to things.
Steam Forums
you know when you’re rocking the no makeup look and you assume you’re lookin all beachy natural n cute but then u look in the mirror and u look like a victorian child sick with influenza who won’t make it through the winter
My husband and I draw straws on Valentine’s Day to decide who has to be on top.
Sucks how every girl I’m interested in is either taken or has good taste in men.
Listen, I’m as surprised as you are that I have no murderous ex-lovers, but I was gifted (and/or cursed) with the ability to leave someone so tenderly they’re left thinking it was their idea, and wondering why they ever let me go.
Wife: can you change the baby
Me: oh thank god. I’m so glad you said that. Yes, yes I will
Wife: I don’t mean swap it for a new one
Me: …
If you’re ever hiking in the woods and you get lost, just look up and find the brightest star in the sky and you’ll know which way space is.