Poker is a game of pretending you’ve got something better than you really do. Poker sounds a lot like my marriage.
You Might Also Like
i can confirm that Somali pirates have intercepted my shipment of 20,000 glossy 8×10 headshots and are using them for vile purposes
So embarrassing when you compliment a lady on her large belly and it turns out she’s just pregnant.
My parents couldn’t understand how my wife could divorce me.
Until I moved back in with them.
Me: why doesn’t anyone talk to me at work?! 😩
Coworker: …
Me: <takes earbuds out> I’m sorry, what?
Don’t tell me there’s not a housing crisis; in the 1980’s we had so much housing, every pizza had its own hut.
I like my women like I like my coffee, passed through the digestive system of a cat
My aesthetician asked me to stop calling it a “crisis at the border” when I make a bikini wax appointment
Me: *interviewing a potential coworker*: why did you leave your previous job?
Him: I was fired
Me: what for?
Him: I knocked my boss out
Me: How fast can you join?
20’s: You can eat whatever you want.
30’s: Just two slices of pizza. You’re watching your weight.
40’s: You gained four pounds watching an Olive Garden commercial.
wordle is just figuring out who to put in the bunkers during the apocalypse so humans can start procreating after.
Chad Kroeger from Nickelback loves taking part in nativity plays. He has played Joseph, the Inn Keeper and even the back end of a donkey.
But he’s never made it as a wise man.
You’re telling me a beagle isn’t half bear half eagle?
My 3yo was giving me a checkup and put the stethoscope on my stomach. She asked if I could hear the heartbeat, and I just got up and left. Heartbeat in my stomach? Smh ain’t nobody got time for that.
My kid wants to be Batman so bad he bought us opera tickets in a bad neighborhood.
I’ve started dating myself exclusively but it’s not working out
My forgiveness comes with the price of never forgetting.
*Trains lightning bugs to spell*
Karen, they have a message for u
WILL YOU M-
“Omg Yes!”
OVE OUT?
Oh good. Here I packed your bags already.
Parenting Tip: Wear clothing with pockets so you can flip off your children inconspicuously.
“Did it hurt…when you fell from heaven and lost the use of your legs?”–bad pick-up line to use on a handicapped person
Gonna start messing with people in public bathrooms and say “oh I recognize those shoes!”
Me: Are you gonna change your name after we get married?
Her: Yes
Me: What do you think of “Jessica Rabbit”?
Me, at 20: I’d really like kids one day!
Me: at 40 with 3 kids: I’ve changed my mind
[ bad kitty ]
me: cut it out
cat: ?
me: stop it
cat: ?
me: knock it off
cat: now we’re talking
Florida mom delivers 14-pound baby after surprise pregnancy .
Florida?? NO PART of this story surprises me.
ME: Thanks for all you did man. It’s because of people like you, we have our freedom.
HIM: Again, I’m a veterinarian.
Made my wife laugh so hard that she spit out her milk so I said, “At least you’re consistent” & the laugh got replaced with a steak knife.
Mom always said she didn’t have a favorite child, which was tough because I don’t have any brothers or sisters.
[My Dad returning 15 years after he left to buy cigarettes] I’ve got toilet paper.
Ants can lift 20 times their bodyweight which is really helpful if you ever need help moving a single blade of grass.